How do you fall in love 2

Experiment to fall in love - these 36 questions make you fall in love

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Strangers fall in love within 45 minutes by answering these 36 questions. An experiment from the 80s - particularly interesting in the age of internet dating, says a Basel couple therapist.

The idea is: two people sit opposite each other. They take turns reading a question to each other. You answer this yourself first, then you hand over the floor. In total, they ask themselves 36 questions, they should plan 45 minutes for them. If the two are completely strangers to date, they fall in love.

This is what the study "The experimental creation of interpersonal closeness" says, Link opens in a new window by the American psychologist Arthur Arons from the 1980s. Or more precisely: The questionnaire should at least lead to the fact that an intensive relationship can be established quickly, which can arouse feelings of being in love.

SRF: Have you tried the questionnaire yourself?

Judith Oehler: No, the risk of falling in love seems to be great. I don't have the capacity for that right now. (laughs)

Then do you think the 36 questions have a big impact?

The questions are intimate, they are personal. They are a means of creating closeness. We open up and this creates intimacy: I know something about the other that perhaps no one else knows. I sensed something, I saw something of him that he usually leaves out in public or in friendly relationships. This intimacy can at best lead to being in love.

Does that mean you can use it to accelerate the process of falling in love?

I wouldn't attach so much importance to these questions. You can give an answer to any question without opening up. Then probably not that much happens. And if I am willing to open up, then I would probably have it without these questions.

Intimacy arises. It can lead to being in love at best.

Lots of people get to know each other online through a game of questions and answers. Is that comparable to this questionnaire?

On the Internet, too, people reveal things that they would otherwise rather hold back - out of shame. The other person does not see how long we think, whether we blush, no gestures. It can be that you open up more. This is comparable to the questionnaire.

But when the two people who met over the Internet meet, something may happen that doesn't fit with their vision of the other. With the questionnaire, people have more direct feedback.

On the Internet, too, people reveal things that they would otherwise be more likely to hold back.

After the 36 questions, ask the two people to look each other in the eye for four minutes. Do you think this is crucial?

Have you looked someone in the eye for four minutes? Give it a try. Four minutes, that's a long time. We usually look away as soon as it gets too close to us. But lovers look at each other endlessly. This look seems to let us see or feel something that causes a great closeness - also on the physical level.

The physical aspect of love and sexuality are not an issue in the questionnaire. Why?

This is about personality, who you are. But yes, access through sexuality - through sexual desires and fantasies - could work as well.

The questionnaire

Part 1

1. If you could choose one person in the world: Who would you like to have as a guest for dinner?
2. Would you like to be famous? In which way?
3. Have you ever rehearsed what to say on the phone before calling someone? Why?
4. How would you describe a perfect day?
5. When was the last time you sang to yourself? For someone else?
6. When you could live to be 90 years old and you are from the age of 30
either the body or the mind of a 30 year old for the rest
Could keep for 60 years what would you choose?
7. Do you have a secret premonition of how you are going to die?
8. Name three things that you and the other person seem to have in common.
9. What aspect of your life are you most grateful for?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes to tell your partner as much of your life story as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow and have a skill or quality
which one you have gained, which one would it be?

Part 2

13. If a crystal ball tells you the truth about you,
your life, the future, or anything else that might give away
would you want to know
14. Is there something that you have dreamed of for a long time? Why haven't you done it yet?
15. What is the greatest achievement of your life?
16. What do you value most about friendship?
17. What is your most precious memory?
18. What is your worst memory?
19. If you knew that in a year you would suddenly die, you would
do you change anything about the way you live now? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What role do love and affection play in your life?
22. Take turns telling each other what positive characteristics the other person has. Name a total of five character traits.
23. How close are your family? Do you feel like your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How is your relationship with your mother?

part 3

25. Make three true "we" statements about yourself. For example, "We are in this room right now and feel ..."
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone to tell that ..."
27. If the other person would become a close friend of yours, what should they know about you?
28. Tell your counterpart what you like about them. Be honest and say too
Things you normally wouldn't say to someone you
just met.
29. Share an embarrassing moment from your life with the other person.
30. When was the last time you cried in front of someone else? When was the last time you cried alone?
31. Tell your counterpart what you already like about them.
32. What - if there is anything - is too serious to joke about?
33. If you were to die tonight without being able to with
to speak to anyone, what would you regret most, someone
not to have said? Why haven't you told that person yet?
34. Your house, which contains everything you own, is on fire.
After you've saved your family and pets, there will be enough time
yet to save one thing from the house. What would that be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you be most affected by?
36. Share a personal problem with your partner and ask him how he does it
would solve it. Also, ask your partner for their assessment of how
you feel with the problem.

«Filosofix» on the subject of love

What is love? A big question that philosophy is also concerned with. She helps with thought experiments to find your own answers. In the “Filosofix” series, SRF Kultur presents such a thought experiment in an animated short film: Can you make someone in love?

With the “Love Pill”, SRF Kultur is continuing the “Filosofix” series, in which various thought experiments have already been presented.
«Filosofix»: What is love?

Interview conducted by Nadja Röll.

Broadcast: Radio SRF 2, Culture Compact, February 14, 2017, 5:22 p.m.


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