Are there any asexuals here

Sexuality - When the need for sex is absent: 6 asexual women tell their story

When the need for sex is absent: 6 asexual women tell their story

We live in a society that is shaped by sexuality. But there are people who have no relation to it and therefore do not want to have sex. Six women explain what this lack of need feels like - and how to live with it.

"For most people we are unicorns - that is, beings that simply do not exist," is how the six women who are visiting the watson editorial office that evening summarize their situation.

All six are very different in type, but they have one thing in common: They call themselves asexual.

Because the subject is still relatively unknown, it took them a long time to recognize and understand for themselves why they are “different” from most other people.

The lack of presence of the topic within society made it difficult for them to find themselves.

But that's not all. Even now that they have found an answer for themselves, they have to fight for recognition and understanding: "Because people have no idea what asexuality actually means, we are so often confronted with the same clichéd reactions," explains the 21-year-old Ramona and provides appropriate samples:

  • «Asexual? There is no such thing! "
  • «You just haven't found the right one yet. I can safely free you from your blockage. "
  • "Maybe you are homosexual and just don't know it yet?"
  • "If you haven't tried it yet, you can't even know if you like it."
  • "You're just uptight / immature / confused."
  • "You just have to be fucked properly."

One of the reasons for the lack of understanding is probably the fact that there is no longer just one form of asexuality. The following six stories show how different the characteristics can be.

Jeanette, 46:

“I found out five years ago that I was asexual. At that time I was in a relationship that lasted about a year and I really liked the look of the man, the tingling was definitely there. But when it came to the romantic and erotic part, it was over for me. It starts with mutual undressing and kissing. I just don't feel anything - all sexuality is a controlled act for me. And that has always been the case.

For a long time I said to myself: 'It'll come, you just need more time to allow closeness.' I was happy to justify this by saying that I grew up in a home. But time has not changed anything either - the pressure that weighed on me became even greater. So I had to break up. When I stumbled upon the term 'asexuality' for the first time shortly afterwards and then read into the subject, everything was suddenly so clear - and that retrospectively too.

  • "I can never enjoy it as much as I can with myself."

I was even married for six years. But that only worked because my ex-husband wasn't into smooching or foreplay. So we had sex so we could just tick it off again. In, out, ready - so to speak. That's the only reason it lasted so long in the first place.

My great luck in the whole story is that I can at least feel arousal, for example I am very sensitive on my neck. But that's about it. For example, if a man touches my breasts, nothing happens. But that way I was able to say to my respective partner: 'You can come' - and then I just did it myself. But I don't need a partner for that. I can never enjoy it as much as I can with myself. It's awesome. "

Sofia, 21:

“I had something like a relationship for the first time a year ago. At that time I quickly realized that I couldn't enjoy physical closeness. A kiss on the mouth and touches to the shoulders, that's okay. But everything else is already going too far for me. So I asked myself if I was feeling cold and started researching. When I came up with the term 'asexuality', I found that it describes my situation very well.

I've never had sex before. Although there would have been opportunities, I always avoided it. Only when it comes to petting, a person wants to touch my breasts or genitals, do I feel harassed and uncomfortable. The thought of all the fluids exchanged during sex sucks me. It's a bit like raw meat, which I also find incredibly disgusting. But because I like to eat meat, I overcome myself and cook it anyway. I could imagine that it is similar with sex: that I could do it for a person I really love, but still feel a discomfort deep down inside me.

  • "For me, sex is like football: some people love it - and I just can't do anything with it."

I describe myself as asexually demiromantic. That means that I could definitely fall in love - but only if I know a person really well. I long for love and a relationship and I could also imagine having children of my own. But I believe that you can have a very close relationship even without sex. Quite a few old married couples show how it can be done.

I recently came out to a friend. He couldn't understand how you can't be into sex. But in my opinion, sex is like a sport: there are people who really enjoy watching football and are totally into it, and then there are those who just find it boring. Masturbation, on the other hand, is something completely different: I like to do that. My body is mine and I just don't want anyone else touching it. "

Felicitas, 21:

“You are asexual from birth, but it took me a long time to realize that this applies to me.

When I was around 15 or 16 years old, I realized that it wouldn't work with men. So I ruled that out for myself and outed myself to my friends as a lesbian - and defined myself that way.

When I was 17 or 18, however, I realized that it didn't work out with women either.

Just kissing is not my thing at all. I probably had my first experiences in this area when I was 14 or 15 years old - and only because of the peer pressure.

According to the motto: I've already done everything, so I should too. That was some kind of smooching at parties while drunk.

  • "Close friendships are all I need."

The first time I had a boyfriend for two and a half months, I got my first sober kiss. And I just found that disgusting.

Whenever I get to know someone and no matter how nice they are, I still never feel the need to kiss them - let alone go further sexually. Simply because I don't feel anything.

The same applies to the subject of masturbation, by the way. I've done that maybe three times in my life, just to give it a try.

But that doesn't give me anything either. I have no need for it and that's why it doesn't occur to me to do it.

I call myself not only asexual, but also aromantic: getting involved with a person and living a relationship is simply not for me.

So I'm not looking for a partner either. Really close friendships are all the more important to me. Thats all I need."

Ramona, 21:

“I've fallen in love before, but there was just no more than a hug in my imagination.

For example, I don't even notice when someone is flirting with me. At some point it still happened that I 'messed up' with a guy. That was pretty overwhelming for me.

The whole time I was wondering what to do next and at the same time I just thought: 'No, you won't touch me here and you won't touch me there either.'

A year ago, I stumbled upon the term 'asexuality' for the first time and got a little brooding.

At that time I was still thinking: 'No, that can't be'. A little later I read the word again somewhere and thought: 'Yes, maybe'. A few weeks ago I was able to bring myself to admit to myself: 'Yes, okay, it is so'.

  • "I'm curious - after all, everyone is talking about it."

It is also not the case that sexuality is the only purpose in life and that you therefore have to constantly worry about it. But now I am more concerned with it. Simply because I want to know what has already been written about asexuality and where total nonsense is being told.

For example, what is often misunderstood is that asexuality doesn't necessarily mean that you don't like sex, it just means that you don't need it. That's also why I haven't had sex myself.

Of course I'm curious - after all, everyone is talking about it. I cannot rule out that I might not try it out at some point. But I would have to be very in love for that.

Since I don't know what it's like not to be asexual, I can't say that I'm missing something.

I don't know any other way. The only catch is that it's harder to find someone who works the way you do. And a relationship is definitely something I would really like to see. "

Kerstin, 23:

“About two years ago I realized that I was somehow 'different', but I didn't know why. Although I was already 21 years old, I had hardly had any sexual experience, except maybe a little kissing.

But even with that I couldn't do anything - I didn't find that tender, nor did it appeal to me in any way.

As a child I was abused and that could possibly have an impact on my lack of need for sex.

But I don't think that was the main point. Because I've done therapy to deal with the trauma and I don't feel like I'm missing anything just because I can't have a sexual relationship.

There are people who claim that asexuality can be treated. But it doesn't bother me at all and even if it had been triggered by the trauma, I don't have any problems with it. I separate the abuse incident and my asexuality - I'm fine.

  • "You must have a problem with the hormones."

The only thing I lack is closeness and affection. I would love to have an asexual relationship.

And I could also imagine that - if I found a man I feel very deeply about - I might even have sex with him. But that would be for him and not for me.

By the way, what one often hears as an asexual person is: "You must have a problem with the hormones."

I can say: “That's right, I actually have that and that's why I have to take hormones. But: Nothing has changed in my need for sex - although I am now hormonally perfectly adjusted. "

Manu, 21:

«I have never had any sexual experiences in my life. It never even came to make out. Simply because I always blocked before because I wasn't comfortable in the situations.

This was the case with dates, for example, when someone wanted to kiss me at the second or third meeting. But I just didn't feel the need.

At school, when it started with my colleagues that you had your first boyfriend or girlfriend, I wasn't at all interested.

At the time I was still thinking: 'Maybe it will happen to me', but that has not happened to this day.

When I was 18, I stumbled across the term ‹asexual› for the first time and from that moment on I was able to give it a name. I knew beforehand that it was me.

  • "I don't think I could enjoy sex."

Nevertheless, I would like to have a partner - I'm totally open when it comes to gender. I would then have to find out how far I could go in a relationship.

I can already imagine that cuddling and kissing are part of the process when I'm really deeply in love. But I don't think I'll ever be able to enjoy sex one day. For example, masturbation doesn't give me anything either. If anything, I would only try it out of love for my partner.

And that's why I started looking for a partner online. That makes everything a lot easier. There you can discuss the most important things before the first meeting - and if you get to know each other in a corresponding forum, the matter is clear anyway. So you don't have to worry that the other person will expect something else from you on the first date. That's why I not only meet up with asexual people, but also those who are not know where they stand with me. "

Agreement on one point

As different as the individual stories may be, the six women agree on one point: They are all satisfied with their situation and none of them has the feeling that they are missing something just because sex does not play a role in their lives.

Rather, the feeling of being different and not knowing what exactly was causing them worries for a while. But the mere fact of having discovered a term for their emotional state and found out that they are far from alone with their feelings has given them all a liberating feeling. And that is also the reason why it is important to all of them to make the topic better known.

Name changed by the editor