Why are wrong people loved more?
Berlin : "I never knew why they were picking on me" Loved for the wrong and hated for the wrong:
Why can't you be like other children, that was the main sentence of my childhood, because I always cried in the wrong place, I couldn't stand the circus. Clowns hitting each other on the head, what's funny about that? I found tigers jumping through hoops very humiliating. As a child I always had this burning feeling, leave the poor animals and people in peace. I don't think it's funny, and they definitely don't think it's funny either. And my mother was completely desperate and always said, why can't you be like other children. I didn't have an answer to that, not until today. There is a lot of speechlessness with my mother. Much unspoken. Very much the desire to get close sometimes. But I think she loved my father until the end of her life, she was only 63 when she died. I reminded her a lot of my father. I was outwardly like him, and apparently also in terms of reactions. Sometimes she said, very frightened, that I also wrote: "Don't laugh so wildly, it reminds me of your father, he always laughed so wildly."
When I was younger, I would walk up to people like young dogs who are happy to have visitors. As I got older and then even old, I became a bit more cautious and also listen more closely to what people are saying and what is behind them and what personal and sometimes self-centered occasions they have.
I've always been seen differently from what I think I am. The thin skin and also a certain fearfulness in me, a panic, a stage fright that reminds me of a tropical disease. Nobody really believes any of these things. I don't want to trumpet them and say: I need your pity. But I think you see in me something far more aggressive than I am. (...)
As a young person I could be aggressive, but the older I got, the more that part of my being has worn away. That doesn't mean that I am now Mauz, the forever nodding Emma. Nothing against Emma, the name, but against Aunt Emma. I used to be much more irascible than I am today. It has nothing to do with good character, it has to do with losing strength. They cannot replace a weakening of strength with anything.
I never knew why they sometimes pecked at me like I'd trampled their allotment garden. I have no idea why I caused so much anger sometimes, but on the other hand, Adoration also. I hate suspicion. I think it spoils your life, I think it takes away these beautiful sides of life, so they are really painted dark, very bad, very stupid, and it makes you sad, and it makes you sick, it also makes you physically sick, not only psychologically, I often had to be careful that I was not drowned in my own sink of self-pity.
At the end of the war I was in Russian captivity, I was put in solitary confinement, in a black hole, and in this hole, I felt as I felt around, there was a dead woman, and they left me alone with her for a few days. That makes you crumbling, and then they threw the dead woman out because of the stench, which was even too much for them, and so left me alone in this smelly room and fetched me for interrogations at all times of the day and night.
They didn't, didn't, didn't torture me.
All animal instincts came up: Survive, but I think when you are young and want to live so consciously, very consciously, I want to survive this, this crap that Hitler got us into. We'll see if I can survive this pig.
This anger at everything and everyone, this anger, this ever-simmering anger, which sometimes subsided but was basically always present, has, I believe, done a lot in me for my whole life. I believe that this is why I have this shock, the shock that I have not got over to this very old age, and that I cannot be alone. (...)
After I came back from captivity, I simply went to Boleslaw Barlog in Lichterfelde. He spoke to me once on the S-Bahn during the war. So I went and said, “Do you remember me?” And he said, “Yes. Come in. Eat a tomato. Otherwise we have nothing. All we have is tomatoes. But I'll do theater, really big theater in the Steglitzer Schlossparktheater. I have the license and do theater. If you want, join in. ”He didn't have to tell me that twice. I was already hanging out with joy at Zeppelin height. When the rehearsals began, I didn't get the lead role, but got the prologue from Goethe. I was a little sad, but I don't care about anything. The main thing is that I was in this incredible Barlog stable stud. (...)
"The sinner" - that was terrible. I had no idea why they were all acting like they had some serious brain disease. I couldn't imagine why everyone was going crazy because I was seen naked for such a short time. (...) It hurt me. Oh yes, it hurt me very much. Because I make a joke on TV and say: I came into a restaurant with someone, and they could swear that some woman's voice said: “Fritz, we're going!” With something like me, you didn't just sit at the next table, and not ten tables away either. It was embarrassing, I wrote it in the "Gift Horse": I laughed, then it was said: God, what a brazenness; if I was serious, they said: repentance came too late. I think this is my destiny. Always been. It has stayed that way, and it has stayed that way.
I mean, Germany suddenly insulted me as if I had made the film, written the script, collected the finances and all this desolate crap, which was basically “The Sinner”. It was boring, a stupid melodrama, but it was my first chance to work again after years of learning English and not wanting Hollywood because a German, if you please, and so early after the war. And when I had done “Die Sünderin” I was suddenly shooting again at Fox, and I was shooting “Decision before dawn”, which in Germany was called, I think, if anyone has seen it in Germany, “Decision before dawn”. , with Oskar Werner, that was a great line-up.
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