How do you deal with anger of competition
Understanding double links
Demystifying the twin relationship has been a lifelong journey for me. Often times the path I was on led me to face professional and personal struggles that were deeply troubling and often confusing. But as I had to understand the research on twins and twins on a personal and professional level, new discoveries and discoveries unfold that are exciting for twins and for those interested in intimate relationships.
My clinical research shows that twins have two different identities - as a twin and as an individual. Gemini identity creates the deep attachment that Gemini, consciously or unconsciously, long to share throughout their lifespan. Individuality creates competition, anger, frustration and resentment. Parents sharing attention can create deep insecurities and a sense of inadequacy. I have written extensively books and internet articles on the intensity and complications of twin relationships. I receive calls and emails from my readers - twins and close relatives of twins - for advice on how to deal with twin problems that is troubling and confusing. Because of my own struggles that split up and then fought with my sister, and our mid-life alienation, helping others is extremely rewarding when twins and parents of twins seek advice from me. A deep and sometimes deep relief is expressed when twin struggles and alienations in the context of the development of children, adolescents and adults are confirmed as normal and understandable. Through my professional and personal experiences with twins together or alone, I have learned that twins can function better in their relationship and work world if they understand the differences between themselves and their twin and the twin world and the non-twin world.
Being close to twins and harmony ensure peace and trust. Twins battles, which can lead to twin alienation, are very common, painful, and unsettling for twins. Fighting too much and sharing too much creates confusion for twins about who is responsible for what in their own twin ship and with other people. In general, ego or self-limit confusion is normal, understandable, and predictable in young twins, as they do not know exactly what is appropriate in new relationships or with their twin. But as twins grow up and develop their own self-esteem, they need to learn how much to expect from their twin and others who are close. Without sensitivity and recognition of what is possible in interpersonal relationships, twins can be disappointed by their twin or by others. Too much closeness, associated with fear of being apart and alone, can emotionally strangle twins who are entangled.
For example, 40-year-old twins who work and live together: while each yearning for marriage and children, a lack of necessary social skills based on individual experience prevents them from moving forward. Or twins who have been treated as opposites will be in too much anger due to the disappointment with their co-twin. It's not uncommon for twins to fear their twin's presence. Some twins pitted against each other cannot be in the same room. Extreme anger that is unspoken and unresolved can destroy or cripple individual and twin identities. And of course there are the twins who lie between these two extremes - “ordinary twins” who try to get along with each other but cannot do so consistently, as the fairy tales suggest.
While my theories are documented, I know they are also controversial because they so contradict the social mythology about how twins have ideal relationships. Twins as topics in genetic and environmental research are over-focused. Ironically, even today, after going through the ups and downs of my life as a twin in a world without twins, my twin sister, who read my books about twins, will not fully accept my point of view on how to survive our closeness and dependencies and anger. Nevertheless, I firmly believe in my ideas about why it is something special and extremely difficult to be a twin. I hope that twins struggling with each other or with their families for any reason find understanding and comfort in my blog. Psychiatrists who understand the difficulties and rewards of a twin's path to independence will be more effective. That's why I'm writing this blog for therapists who work with twins. Parents and relatives of twins gain insight into why twins are different and why they can often get along in normal, unexpected ways.
Understanding the twin relationship helps when twins understand why they are struggling or why they cannot part with each other. Their ability to develop strategies and reasonable expectations for each other and their lives is possible. The joy of closeness and harmony grows as maturity based on the reality of adulthood is built into the deep and intertwined twin relationship. It is deeply to be accepted that a twin is always a twin for what it is. Twins can't get divorced. The twin relationship, often a mystery and difficult to understand in words, is undoubtedly a source of wonder, contentment, loneliness, fear, and an enduring part of identity.
Each post deals with a specific twin problem that was previously discussed with those who are struggling to understand how they fit into the non-twin world.
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