How did you lose your virginity 7
10 things you should know before losing your virginity
To be honest, even after the first (or hundredth) time, we can all still use some extra guidance.
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1. Losing virginity doesn't just mean penis in vagina.
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"There is no universal consensus on the exact definition of 'having sex'," said relationship and sex expert Dr. Kristen Mark to BuzzFeed. Also, the idea of 'virginity' is very heterocentric. That excludes a whole range of people who, in their opinion, have already lost virginity, but have a completely different definition of it. "The loss of virginity can be related to penetration, but also anal sex, oral sex, manual stimulation, dildos and so on. There are no set criteria that your first time has to meet.
2. The fact that defloration must be accompanied by bleeding is largely a myth.
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Not every vagina bleeds like a stab wound the first time you have sex. "Some women do not notice any bleeding at all, but it is true that some women bleed profusely," says sex researcher Dr. Debby Herbenick. This comes from injuring the hymen, which is basically just tissue in the vagina. Every woman has a different amount of hymenal tissue, and in rare cases they are even born without it. There's no way you can predict how much you're going to bleed, so ... you might want to leave a light on, Herbenick suggests.
3. While we're at it, "checking the hymen" is not a way of determining virginity.
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As I said, different people have different amounts of hymenal tissue. Some are thinner, more worn, or with fewer blood vessels than others. Also, the tissue can tear from a variety of things such as physical activity, masturbation, fingers, and so on, Herbenick said. So viewing the hymen as meaningful as to whether someone has had sex ... doesn't make sense.
4. It doesn't have to hurt.
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If your first time involves penetration, mild pain or pressure can be expected. Still, all in all, it should still be satisfactory - not painful. So if it is very hurts, then stop. That could be a sign that more foreplay or lube is needed, Mark said.
5. Warming up properly is a must.
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When you know you're finally going to have sex, most people skip the whole bunch and come straight to the main event. Do not do that. If your goal is vaginal or anal sex, be sure to have a few other activities preceded it. Research shows that the more sexual activity you engage in beforehand, the easier it is for people to orgasm during intercourse.
And when you have a vagina, it makes everything a lot cozier. "The way the vaginal canal works is that when you're aroused, something called 'ballooning' occurs, which opens the canal and allows penetration," says Mark. "If there is no arousal before penetration, it can be painful." Also, a lot of foreplay helps someone with a penis get a stronger erection, so everyone benefits.
6. Lubricant makes everything so much better.
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Experts cannot stress this enough. Lubricant isn't just for old people who can't get wet on their own. Promised. A little extra slipperiness helps with a smoother and more satisfying feeling - no matter what comes in where. Especially if you feel pain upon first penetration, USE LUBRICANT.
But you should know that oil-based lubricants are incompatible with latex condoms and can reduce their effectiveness. So you should try a water- or silicone-based lubricant.
7. An orgasm shouldn't be the ultimate goal.
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Yes, orgasms are great, but don't focus on when / how / if you're getting one. "Getting to know the other body is as much a part of the sexual experience as having an orgasm," says Mark. "Being able to learn what the partner likes and dislikes is part of the fun." It can take years to figure out how to orgasm with another person, so don't expect it to happen right away.
8. If you have a vagina, you may not orgasm the first time.
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Fifty Shades of Gray lied to you. Unfortunately, research shows that the vagina is simply less likely to climax the first time than the penis. Still, there are a few things you can do to improve your chances, like having sex with a similar partner, lots of foreplay, and not just focusing on penetration, Herbenick said. Also, as we mentioned earlier, it can really take YEARS for some people to learn to orgasm with another person. So be patient and don't lose hope.
9. You are more likely to orgasm when you and your partner know each other better - physically and emotionally.
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Research shows that whether it's your first time or the 50th time, orgasm is more likely in a relationship than in an affair. But when it comes to defloration, the right partner can make a big difference. "Whether you will regret your first time later or whether you will enjoy it has a high probability to do with whom you lose your virginity and whether you have a close connection with the person, "says Mark. That does not mean that you have to be together for a long time, but feeling good and trusting this person is very helpful.
10. If you have a penis, you may come very, very quickly.
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And that's perfectly fine. It's your first time in a vagina, mouth, or anus, that's exciting. But don't try to avert an orgasm by thinking about baseball or grandparents or something. Focus on your partner and their needs. Worry less about when you'll come, says Mark. Even if you come super fast, don't panic - you can focus on pleasing your partner.
11. Erectile dysfunction doesn't just affect old men, so don't lose your nerve if it happens to you.
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Dicks don't always cooperate, and that doesn't mean you're sick or awful in bed. It's important to know that this can happen to anyone with a penis (regardless of age) and that pressure and nerves can definitely play a role, Mark said. Being with someone you trust and feel comfortable with can automatically take away some of your fear. When you're struggling, take a deep breath, remind yourself that it's normal, and then try to focus on anything that feels awesome right now.
12. You can get pregnant the first time you have sex.
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Unfortunately there is no bye for virgins. If your first time involves a penis ejaculating into a vagina, you can get pregnant, Herbenick said. So before you lose your virginity, think about what birth control you want to use and talk to your partner about it ... preferably before you're naked.
13. You should definitely use a condom anyway.
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If not as contraception, it is because of sexually transmitted infections - yes, even if you are both virgins. Why? Because people lie. Okay, that's gross, but seriously, the chances are always that a person is not being completely honest when they say they have never had sex, just with another Virgo or whatever. Also, people have varying definitions when it comes to sex, and sexually transmitted infections can spread genitally, orally, anally, and sometimes only through skin contact. So, even if the person thinks they have been safe in the past, they may be wrong.
Here you can read everything you need to know about testing for sexually transmitted infections. And if your first time involves cunnilingus or anilingus, consider using a leak cloth. Remember, these barrier methods do not fully protect against all sexually transmitted infections, but are your best line of defense.
14. No matter what you do, don't copy what you've seen in porn.
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All that violent thrusting and acrobatic positions are not things that everyone enjoys, especially not the first time. "It takes a while to master this in a way that it feels good," says Herbenick. Accept that you are a beginner and still exploring while having fun.
15. It is not true that your soul is forever attached to the person you first had sex with.
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Sure, you may (or may not) look back on the person in love if you talk to your friends in 20 years, but you won't be stuck with that person forever if you don't want to, Herbenick said. This myth comes from the fact that many people feel some sort of connection with the person they lost their virginity with, but that's more of a social construct than a guarantee.
16. See masturbation as an exercise for the real version.
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It would be a bit hypocritical to expect a person to know what feels great to you when you don't even know it by now. "It helps - especially women - to orgasm through masturbation before having sex with a partner," says Mark. It will take some people time to figure out what you like, what you don't, and what really climaxes you. But figuring out all of this before going to bed with someone could make your first time less overwhelming (in a negative sense).
17. Your experience of losing virginity will certainly not determine the rest of your sex life.
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Whether you had a good, bad, or okay first time, you don't have to worry that it's an omen of how sex will be for you forever. This is especially true if your first time involved some form of abuse, assault, or coercion. You are not like you lost your virginity. And remember you decide what "losing virginity" really means - whether it was your first consensual sex, your first good sex, or your first ever sex.
18. There is no predetermined perfect time for sex.
How and when you do it is nobody else's business but you. You are not a slut if you choose to lose your virginity, and you are not a prude if you choose to wait. What's more important than an arbitrary timeline is to do it for the right reasons and in a context where you are comfortable and actively agree. "That you want to do it yourself - not because you are experiencing pressure from a partner or because all of your friends are doing it," says Mark. "When a person has sex for such reasons, they are more likely to regret it."
19. Everyone is just as nervous as you.
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You are naked, he or she is naked, things are going to be very different from before, that's just how it is. Relax, breathe, slow down, and remind yourself that a little panic is normal.
This article first appeared in English.
This post is part of our theme week, which is all about sex, sexuality and sexual education.
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