# Help me with this math problem 1

## 250+ good math jokes

Here we collect the best math jokes for you! Some are made by mathematicians for mathematicians, but most of them can be understood by everyone, including pupils and students ;-)

Have fun while reading! And if one is missing, please contact us.

- Teacher: "75% of all students in this class have no idea about percentages." Student: "Teacher, we are not that many!"
- It's functions party. Tan (y), Log (x) et cetera are in a good mood, dancing and laughing. Only Exp (x) stands lonely in the corner. Log (x): "What's going on?" Exp (x): "I try to integrate myself, but the result is always the same ..."
- Meet a Cos (x) group of Sin (x). The Cos (x) asks "What do I have to do to be with you? One of the Sin (x) s replies "You have to integrate".
- What does a mathematician who is afraid of flying do that there is a bomb on the plane? He takes his own bomb with him, since the statistical probability that there are two bombs in an airplane is almost zero.
- Two students: "What time is it?" - "Thursday!" - "I don't want to know exactly. Just whether it's summer or winter semester ..."
- Mathematician in the physics exam. Prof .: "Why don't you draw a sketch of the Sinus?" (Candidate paints) Prof .: "It looks pretty good." Student: "No, that should be the x-axis, I'm so excited."
- Answering machine of a mathematician: "The number you dialed is imaginary. Please turn your phone 90 degrees and try again."
- You have to do three things to become a real man: 1. Build a house, 2. Plant a tree, 3. Calculate the Laplace operator in spherical coordinates.
- A mathematician tells a joke: "There are three kinds of mathematicians, some can count and some can't."
- A dx and a delta x meet. Does the Delta x say: "Don't always look at everything so closely."
- A programmer and a mathematician sit next to each other on the train. The programmer leans over to the mathematician and asks him if he would like to play a little entertainment game. The mathematician would rather sleep and refuse. The programmer doesn't give up that quickly. He explains the rules of the game: "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, I'll get 5 euros from you. Then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you 5 euros." Again the mathematician says no and tries to get some sleep. The programmer is almost offended and makes another suggestion: "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you give me 5 euros, but if I don't know the answer, I'll even give you 50 euros. Since the mathematician notices, he finally agrees that he cannot sleep peacefully anyway unless he accepts the programmer's suggestion. So the programmer asks the first question: "What is the average distance between the earth and the moon?" Instead he gives the programmer 5 euros without a word. Then he asks his question: "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes down again with four legs?" The programmer is a little surprised at this question. He takes out his laptop and searches it Internet, but can't find anything. He emails friends and acquaintances, but no one has the solution. After six hours, he gives up in frustration and wakes the mathematician, who is sleeping soundly in the meantime could, gives him 50 euros and asks: “So what's the answer?” The mathematician reaches into his wallet, gives the programmer 5 euros, turns around and goes back to sleep.
- Which animal can add? - An octopus.
- Why can't pirates compute a circle? - Because you guess Pi!
- Old mathematicians never die - they just lose some of their functions.
- What does an unemployed mathematician say to a mathematician who has just found work? "One fries with mayonnaise, please ..."
- "Pay attention!" says the teacher. "If it takes ten bricklayers a hundred days to build a house, it takes a hundred bricklayers only ten days to do the same job. Do you get that?" - "Yes!" calls the class. - "Now give me another example!" - There is silence for a while, then Daniel reports at the back table: "If a ship to New York takes five days, then five ships only need one day!"
- Job interviews take place in a company. The HR manager asks the applicants to simply count to 10. - The electronics technician begins: "0001, 0002, 0003, 0004 ....." The HR manager waves: "The next one please!" - The mathematician: "We define the sequence a (n) with a (0) = 0 and a (n + 1) +1 ...." The personnel manager breaks off and asks the next applicant: - The computer scientist begins: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, a, b, c ....." The HR manager doesn't want him either. - A student comes last: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10." The HR manager is enthusiastic: "You get the job!" "Wait, I can go on: Jack, Queen, King ..."
- The math teacher wants to know: "How much is 2 + 2?" The arithmetic genius of the class answers with a grin: "5 including VAT, 0 if the calculator is broken and 4 if you have no imagination."
- What are the characteristics of a good mathematician? When you wake up in the morning and pull the roots out of a stranger!
- "Do not we know each other?" the professor asks the nervous exam candidate. "Yes, from last year's exam." "Oh, yes. But it will work today. What was the first question I asked you back then?" "Do not we know each other..."
- A math student comes to university with a brand new bike, and his fellow students immediately ask him where he got the brand new, great bike. "I'm driving through the park when suddenly a girl jumps off her bike, undresses and says I can have everything from her" To which his (math) fellow students: "Really good choice, the clothes wouldn't have suited you anyway. "
- "How much is five times five, Sandra?" - "Five times five is twenty-five." - "Pretty good, Sandra." - "Why is it really good? It couldn't be better!"
- Exam day in physics. There is a brick on the heater. The examinee enters the room. The examiner asks: "Why is the stone on the side facing away from the heater warmer?" Test item: "uh (stutters), maybe because of heat conduction and so on?" Examiner: "No, because I just turned it over."
- During the lecture, a famous mathematics professor is said to have encountered the difficult task 7 times 9. He asks the students for help. One calls: "62", another: "65". Then the professor: "But, gentlemen, that's impossible: 7 times 9 can only be 62 or 65!"
- A math problem: the mother is 21 years older than her child. In 6 years the child will be five times younger than the mother. Question: where is the father?
- What does a mathematician do in the garden? Take root.
- A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist are standing in front of an elevator. 9 people get into the elevator. After a while the elevator comes back and 10 people get off. What are the three thinking? The biologist: "Well, they seem to have multiplied!" - The physicist: "Well, 15% calculation inaccuracy!" - The mathematician: "If someone else goes in now, there won't be any more."
- A civil engineer, a physicist, a mathematician and a philologist want to determine the height of a flagpole. The engineer, the physicist and the mathematician ponder. Theorem of three, Pythagorean theorem, ray theorems? The philologist, however, takes the flagpole out of its holder, puts it on the floor, measures it, puts it back up and says: "3.75 m". Then the mathematician says: "These philologists! We want to determine the height and he measures the width!"
- A: "What about your cute little friend, the mathematician?" B: "I left her. I call her - she tells her that she is in bed and is struggling with 3 strangers ..."
- Math class. The teacher asks Fritzchen: "If I put four eggs on the table and you add three, how many eggs are there in total on the table?" Fritzchen: "Four ..." Teacher: "No, seven! How do you get four?" Fritzchen (embarrassed): "You know, I can't lay eggs ..."
- "The negation of a false statement always results in a true statement!" Claims a math professor. - "Wrong", says a student. - "Please explain why!" Demands the professor. - "The sentence 'This sentence contains six words' is wrong. Its negation 'This sentence does not contain six words' is also wrong!"
- An engineer cannot recover from two things at the lecture of a physicist: 1. the speaker speaks of 8-dimensional spaces, and 2. the mathematician seems to understand everything next to him. During the break he asks the mathematician how he can understand this, whereupon he says: "First I imagine an n-dimensional space. Then I simplify the problem to n = 8!"
- The Dean to the Faculty of Physics: "Why do you always need so much money for laboratories, expensive equipment and that sort of thing? Why can't you just be like mathematicians? They only need money for pens, paper and wastebasket. Or better still, how the philosophy faculty. They only need money for pens and paper! "
- What are two lemmas? A dilemma!
- A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician make their first parachute jump. Before that, your instructor will explain exactly what you have to do: Jump out, count to 3 and pull the rip cord. The physicist jumps. But counting to 3 is far too imprecise and too primitive for him. Rather, it calculates the exact point at which it has to pull the rope in order to land softly from its height and the speed of fall. He pulls the leash and comes up optimally. The engineer as a practical person thinks: Counting to 3 is far too unsafe and therefore too dangerous. He jumps and immediately pulls the rip cord. It takes a little longer for him, but he also ends up unscathed. The two see the mathematician jump out of the plane. This falls ... and falls ... and falls ... No parachute opens and finally it hits the ground. Fortunately, it ends up in a haystack. Physicists and engineers run to the haystack in horror and when they dig it up they hear him say: "... from this it follows due to complete induction - 3! ..."
- The chef explains to his apprentice: "Well, you take two thirds of water, one third of cream and one third of broth and then ..." - "Chef", the apprentice interrupts, "that's four thirds." Then the head chef angrily: "Man, don't be so cumbersome, then you just take a bigger pot!"
- There are two popes per square kilometer in the Vatican.
- When you let a mathematician choose between a bun and eternal bliss, what does he take? The bun, of course: Nothing is better than eternal bliss - and a sandwich is better than nothing ...
- The mathematician: The best thing is, you have both! Because if the woman thinks you are with your girlfriend and your girlfriend thinks you are with the woman, you have enough time for math.
- Secondary school 1960: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for 50 euros. The production costs are 40 euros. Calculate the profit! - Realschule 1970: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for 50 euros. The production costs are 4/5 of the proceeds. What is the profit? - Gymnasium 1980: An agricultural economist sells a lot of subterranean crops for a lot of money (G). G has a thickness of 50. The following applies to the elements from G: G is 1. The quantity has the production costs (H). H is 10 elements less powerful than the set G. Draw the picture of the set H as the redemption set of the set G and give the solution (L) for the question: How powerful is the profit sum? - Comprehensive school 1990: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for 50 euros. The production costs are 40 euros and the profit is 10 euros. Task: Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss it with your neighbor.
- Question: Where does a mathematician stand in the room when it's cold? Answer: In a corner. There are 90 °.
- "The calculation of income tax is too high even for me. It's too difficult for a mathematician, you have to be a philosopher."
- A mathematician, a physicist and a philosopher stand on the roof of a burning skyscraper. The only way to escape the flames is to jump into the small pool in front of the skyscraper. The philosopher says: If there is a god he will help me. He jumps and misses the pool by a long way. The physicist takes the calculator and notepad, does the math for a while, takes a run-up and jumps right into the middle of the pool. Even the mathematician does math for a while with a calculator and notepad. When he is done he takes a run, jumps and flies up. Everyone meets again in heaven, engineers and physicists ask mathematicians what is happening there? To which he replied: "Sign error".
- The teacher at school asks: "Children, what is the sexiest number you know?". Small Klärchen answers: "218593". The teacher is very astonished and asks: "Why is that?". Klärchen explains: "Mr. Teacher, that's really easy. If 2 are 1 and not give 8, then after 5 weeks at the latest you will notice that you will be 3 in 9 months."
- Creed of a mathematician: I believe in mathematics, the almighty science that rules in the finite and in the infinite, and in Analysis, her only begotten daughter, conceived by Pythagoras, born by Isaac Newton, baptized by Rieman, who crucifies and kills the students. She will come to judge the regulars and the singular. I believe in the holy integral, community of matrices, parametrization of sins, and eternal arithmetic, q.e.d.
- Teacher: Put your foot up, you're on the line.
- A sociologist, an engineer, an experimental physicist, a mathematician and a theoretical physicist are sitting in a train compartment on their first trip to England. The sociologist looks out the window and says, "Oh, how interesting a black sheep." Then the engineer: "In England all sheep are black." Thereupon the experimental physicist: "There is at least one black sheep in England." Then the mathematician: "In England there is at least one sheep that is black on one side." Thereupon the theoretical physicist: "In England there is at least one sheep that appears black to us under these optical conditions from this distance." It gets too colorful for the sociologist, he pulls the emergency brake, the train comes to a stop and the five climb to get to the bottom of things. When you have reached the animal you notice that it is actually white on one side and black on the other with small white spots that cannot be seen from a distance. The farmer then approaches, wondering about the march on his field. The sociologist speaks to him: "You have strange sheep here". Then the farmer: "This is not a sheep, this is a goat!".
- How? Are there really mathematicians anywhere who can do mental arithmetic? The correct answer would have been rather: "Yes, that can be solved."
- An experimental physicist comes excitedly into a theorist's office and shows him a graph with his latest measurement results. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "that's exactly where a peak was to be expected. And here's the explanation ..." (A long, logical explanation follows.) In the middle, the experimental physicist interrupts him: "Wait a minute!" He looks at the plot for a moment and says: “Oops, he's upside down.” After a corresponding correction, the theorist starts again: “Hmmm, that's exactly the point where a dip was to be expected. And here is the explanation ... "
- A mathematician is walking with his friend through the Australian steppe. There they meet a huge flock of sheep. The friend thinks out loud: "How many are there?" Then the mathematician: "Why? That's exactly 3746." The friend naturally wants to know how he did it so quickly, then the mathematician: "It's not a problem at all. Just count the legs and divide by 4."
- My geometry teacher was sometimes pointed and sometimes blunt, but he was always right.
- To understand recursion, one must first understand recursion.
- Claim: You can only win safely if you don't play the lottery. Proof: If you play the lottery, you are unlikely to win anything (1: ≈1410
^{6}). You won the lottery => So most likely you didn't play the lottery. - When zero is very large, it's almost as much as a little one.
- What does a system of equations say about its drunk variables? "I'll kick you all out soon!"
- Two functions meet in infinity. Says one to the other: "Let me pass or I'll divert you!" Says the other: "Do it, do it ... I am an e-function anyway!"
- Oral exam, stochastics. Roles: (P) rüfer, (S) tudient. P: Let's start with a simple question. What is the probability that one die will roll a six on one roll? S: Which is one? P: I beg your pardon? S: Well one! P: Throw the dice! (gives him a die) S: (rolls the die - becomes a 6) P: (slightly puzzled) Again! S: (rolls the dice, another six) P: (already gets the brooding) Roll the dice again! S: (rolls the dice - again a 6! (It's damned unlikely, only every 216th case gets it on average!)) P: You can go. Passed, one.
- A survey has shown that 67 out of 100 people cannot calculate percentages. That is almost 60 percent!
- A young woman pushes a stroller. A neighbor comes along and looks in curiously. “Is it a girl?” He asks. "No," she replies. - "Is it a boy then?" - "Great, how you guessed it."
- Do you already know the latest statistician joke? Probably...
- 5 out of 4 people have problems with math!
- 2 B v ¬ 2 B =? - The question of all questions.
- Why do mathematicians confuse Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
- A teacher, a physicist and a mathematician spend the night in a log cabin. Suddenly there is a fire. The teacher wakes up, sees that there is a fire, runs out and ... survives. The physicist wakes up, is enthusiastic about this phenomenon and ... dies in the flames looking for the thermometer. The mathematician wakes up, sees the fire extinguisher next to him and continues to sleep because there is a solution ...
- The advancement of mathematics has the advantage that you can be more precise.
- The professor asks for a mathematical solution to be used. After there was only silence from the benches for a while, a student answered: "I'm going to buy an 'E'."
- You should have seen programmers already pushing the three in the elevator when they want to go to the fourth floor ...
- Why is statistics so important? A hunter shoots a hare. The rabbit hits a hook and the ball flies 10 cm past the rabbit to the left. The hunter shoots again. This time the ball flies 10 cm to the right of the rabbit. Statistically speaking, the rabbit is dead.
- "Well, sir, how old do you think I am?" - "According to the shine of your eyes 18, according to the curve of your brows 19, according to the blush of your cheeks 20 - and you will probably be able to add up yourself."
- Problems in math? Then call: 1-800 - [(10x) (13i) ^ 2] - [sin (xy) /2.362x]
- A math teacher stands in front of the class and explains: "There is no larger and no smaller half, ... but why am I telling you this at all, the larger half of you don't understand it after all."
- Two straight lines meet at infinity. One says to the other: "Now make a point!"
- Two straight lines meet. One says, "Next time you'll spend one."
- Complete induction: 1. A student who lives on BAFöG 300 euros a month is a poor eater. 2. If I increase the BAFöG of a poor man by 1 euro, he is still poor. 3. It follows with complete induction: No matter how high the BAFöG is, students are poor eaters. - Where is the flaw in the reasoning? Actually there is no such thing as a good explanation. The politicians seem to solve the dilemma by questioning the first premise: The BAFöG in its current form is very generous. This means that the induction start is not even given.
- In the middle of the mathematical lecture, one of the people present raised his hand and said: "I have a counterexample for what you are talking about here." Then the lecturer: "Anyway, I have two pieces of evidence."
- What does a mathematician give his bride on the wedding day? A polynomial ring packed in an interval box and a Markov chain with stone.
- Who says attentiveness when they serve hot soups? - A waiter who studied math.
- Why is a computer scientist better than a mathematician? Thanks to the binary number system, he can continue to calculate with his fingers.
- "I heard the professor's marriage was said to be very unhappy!" "That doesn't surprise me. He's a mathematician and she's unpredictable."
- A math student walks into a photo shop. "Hello! I want to have this film developed." - Saleswoman: "9x13?" - "117. Why?" - A math professor comes to a photo shop. "Hello! I want to have this film developed." - Saleswoman: "10x15?" - "Yes, that can be solved. Why?"
- A mathematician comes home, gives his wife a large bouquet of roses and says: "I love you!". She takes the roses, knocks them on his ears, kicks him and throws him out of the apartment. What did he wrong? He should have said: "I love you and only you!"
- Mathematics lecture: Professor: "The larger side of an inequality becomes 2x3 after differentiation and simplification." Then the professor writes 7. Student: "But 2x3 is 6, Professor!" - "Yes? Oh, but it doesn't matter, it's an inequality. The side just has to be bigger than the other."
- Philosophy is a game of goals, but no rules. Mathematics is a game of rules but no goals.
- The professor to the student: "What would you do if your calculator gave up in the middle of the exam?" - Student: "Then I would go home." - Prof: "Yes, that would be the trivial solution ..."
- Little David, a Jew, is a nut at math. His parents try everything: teachers, educators, quiz cards, special teaching centers. But nothing helps. As a last resort, someone advises them to try a Catholic school. "The nuns there are strict!" They say. David is promptly given to school in St. Marys. On the first day after school, David walks through the door and straight to his room. He's starting to learn like crazy. Immediately after dinner, he runs upstairs without mentioning the television and buries himself even more in his school books. His parents are amazed. This behavior goes on for weeks. On the day of the distribution of grades, David comes home, puts the envelope with the certificate quietly on the table and goes to his room in horror. His mother opens the envelope. David got an A in math. She runs up to his room, wraps her arms around him and asks: "David, darling, how did that happen? Was it the nuns?" "No," replies David. "The first day I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign at school, I knew they weren't kidding!"
- A physicist believes that his formulas are an approximation to reality. - An engineer believes that reality is an approximation to his formulas. - A mathematician doesn't care ...
- Math teacher: Here are five examples. P. That is six.
- If it is green and winding, then it is biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics. If you don't understand it, it's math. If it's illogical, then it can be either economics or psychology.
- What is "Pi"? - Mathematician: "Pi is the number that indicates the relationship between the circumference and the diameter of the circle." - Physicist: "Pi is 3.1415927 plus minus 0.00000005." - Engineer: "Pi passes through as 3."
- Ms. Meier wants to show her neighbor how great her son can calculate: Meyer: "Fritz, what is three times four?" - Fritz: "Ten?" - Meyer: "Look, only offset by one!"
- Two mathematicians in a bar. One says to the other that the average person has little knowledge of mathematics. The second does not agree with this and thinks that there is a certain basic knowledge. When the first one has to step out briefly, the second calls the blonde waitress and says that he will ask her something in a few minutes when his friend is back, and that she should please answer this question with "a third x up three "answer. The waitress affirms somewhat uncertainly and repeats several times as she leaves: "A third x to the power of three ...". The friend comes back and the other says: "I'll show you that most people know something about mathematics. I'll ask the blonde waitress what the integral of x is to the square." The second just laughs and agrees. So the waitress is called and asked what the integral of x is to the square. This answers: - "A third x to the power of three." The friend is totally surprised and doesn't know what to say. The blonde waitress leaves again, turns around briefly and says: "Plus c."
- Two mathematicians and two physicists are talking on the train. Mathematician: "We always manage to travel with just one ticket." The physicists ask how it's done. Mathematician: "When the controller comes, the two of us go to the toilet, wait for someone to knock and push the ticket out downstairs." The pysicists think they can tear it without a ticket. Mathematicians wonder how that works. Physicist: "We wait until the two mathematicians go to the toilet, knock once, wait for the ticket and then go to the next toilet".
- If a zero vector comes to the psychiatrist: "Doctor, I'm disoriented!"
- If a vector comes to drug counseling: "Help, I'm linearly dependent."
- Two men get lost in the fog while ballooning. In the haze they see another balloon and call to it: "Could you tell us where we are?" The addressee ponders for a long time: "You are in the basket of a balloon!" The two look at each other in amazement, says one: "He's a mathematician." "Why that?" "Firstly, he thought about it for a long time, secondly, his answer is one hundred percent correct, and thirdly, it is completely useless to both of us."
- What is the mathematician's reaction to a fundamentally new theory? 1) Completely absurd stuff! 2) Interesting, but perverse! 3) Besides, it doesn't work! 4) Correct, but immaterial! 5) This is trivial! 6) Actually, I've always done it this way!
- How does a mathematician free himself from a closed cage? He defines: Here is the outside.
- Why are apples and pears also images? - You have cores.
- How much is three times seven? Very fine sand! And what is four times six? Exhausting...
- A physics professor was explaining a particularly complex concept to his class when an astounded student interrupted him: "Why are we actually learning this stuff?" The young man shouted. "To save lives," replied the professor, and then went on. A few minutes later the student answered again: "How does physics save lives?" The professor stared at the student for a moment and then replied, "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medicine."
- An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician stand in a pasture and have the task of fencing a flock of sheep with a few pickets. The engineer makes a sketch, takes the slats, starts, but shortly before the end the slats are no longer sufficient. The physicist calculates and calculates for half an hour, finally takes the slats and starts, but shortly before the end they are again insufficient. The mathematician takes a few slats, builds a small fence around it and says: "I define, I am outside the fence."
- Teacher: "Now let's do the math without the calculator: How much is seven times seven?" Student: "And by when do you need the result?"
- Typical answers to the question, what is 2 times 2: The doctor: "Two". Memorized, of course. - The engineer pulls out his pocket calculator, calculates a little and finally says: "3,99999999999" - The physicist: "In the order of 1 * 10 ^ 1" - The mathematician will spend a day in his room, then with a big one Bump of paper arrive and announce, "The problem is solvable." - The logician: "Please define 2 times 2 more precisely" - The accountant will first close all windows, look around carefully and ask: "What kind of answer do you want to hear?" - The psychiatrist: "I don't know, but it's good that we talked about it." - The lawyer: "4, but I don't know if we can get away with it in court." - The politician: "I don't understand your question ..." - The officer looks up briefly from his desk, counts 2 times 2 sheep and then falls asleep again. - The waiter pulls out his notepad and then says: "Good choice! What would you like to drink with it?" - The archivist: "The last time I checked it was exactly 4." - The vocational school teacher: "4, but you can easily forget that, you'll never need it again anyway." - The boss: "First make an appointment with my secretary." - The biologist: "A reproductive gene pool." - The Mafia: "You ask too many questions."
- Well, kind of clear. The professor said: "Six is a special thing."
- A mathematician wants to hang up his latest proof as a picture - unfortunately there is no one to get a nail in it. Well, he takes a ladder, nail and hammer himself and holds the nail with his head against the wall. Just as he is about to strike, he takes another closer look - and is taken aback. He ponders and ponders and ponders - after five minutes of looking, he has it: "This is a nail for the opposite wall!"
- Mathematicians are devices that can turn coffee into assertions ...
- How do mathematicians kill their opponents without leaving a murder weapon? - You put a circle around their necks and let the radius converge towards zero.
- Says the 0 to the 8: "Chic belt!"
- Two matrices meet. One of them says: "Come on, let's go into the forest and make A to the power of minus 1." Says the other: "Man, are you inverse!"
- The Tagesschau: "With the sound of the time signal it is 12 o'clock ... pip pip piiiip ... Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, good morning dear students ..."
- What do a mathematician and a physicist have in common? Both are stupid - with the exception of the mathematician
- What is big, gray, not orientable and swims in the sea? Moebius Dick
- Algebraic symbols are used from the moment you don't know what you're talking about.
- 14 ways to prove a very trivial proposition: Direct proof: Almost never occurs. - Indirect proof: the professor does not prove the sentence directly, but asks a student. This does not get any further, which contradicts the goal of the course (q. E. D.). - Proof by looking: "That is trivial!" - Proof by intuition (the most trivial of them all). - Relativistic method: the professor writes almost at the speed of light and wipes the blackboard even faster. - Proof by pause: "We can't do that before the break" - "As we proved before the break ..." - Theological method: "I think that's true." - Proof by charm: "You probably won't ask me to calculate that now." - Level theoretical method: We address the sentence stupidly until it can be proven voluntarily. - Proof by delegation: As a small exercise for the inclined student. - Numerical method: The Greek letters m, n, h and x are used mixed up. - Method of complete coverage: you write the proof on the board and stand in front of it. - Proof by vote: "Which of you is in favor of it?" - Midnight method: evidence through fatigue.
- "What is 2 + 2?" Answers from tenth graders over the past five decades: 1957: "Of course 4." 1967: "I think four, but what counts is the method." 1977: "Wait a minute, I'll check my calculator." 1987: "Wait a minute, I'll just open a window on my PC and click the" Calculator "icon." 1997: "Wait a minute, I'm just looking for the addition homepage."
- 110% of all percentages are flawed ... and 74.2855% of all statistics pretend an accuracy that is not justified in reality.
- When a mathematician writes a fantasy book, are the page numbers imaginary?
- Why are mathematicians no longer employed at BMW recently? They generally designed a car with n wheels and only then considered the special case n = 4 ...
- What do a bikini and a statistic have in common? - They show a lot and yet hide the essentials.
- Why do students get up at half past seven? 6% because they are used to it, 4% because they are woken up, 90% because the shops close at eight.
- A math professor writes to his wife: "Dear woman, you know that you are already 54 years old and I have certain needs that unfortunately you can no longer satisfy. But I am still very happy to have you as my wife. I hope I don't want to hurt you because of this, but now, while you are reading this letter, I'll be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old secretary. I'll be home before midnight. Your husband ". When he is back home, he finds a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, you are also not the youngest at your 54 years. While you are reading this letter, I am at the Sheraton Hotel with the 18-year-old postman. There if you are a mathematician, you will easily find that 18 in 54 goes in much more often than 54 in 18. So don't wait for me ... your wife. "
- The physicist complains: "I feel like an electrician: I get up with high voltage, go to work with resistance, swim against the current all day, come home to my wife in the evening loaded, grab her can and get one wiped ... "
- The mathematician is a maker of schemes.
- Recently an epsilon was discovered. It's so small that if you divide it by two it becomes negative.
- The math teacher stands in front of the blackboard on which the functions f
^{1}(x) = 0 and f^{2}(x) = 1 / x are painted. He explains: "They meet at infinity." Then a student: "How romantic!" - Chuck Noris knows the last digit of pi.
- At a congress of mathematicians, a German asks a colleague from France: "Voulez-vous Cauchy avec moi?"
- What is nutritious and commutated? An abelian soup!
- Diploma examination in mathematics. The professor is examining a student in the large lecture hall. 200 students watch. Prof: "How much is 3 times 3?" - Student: "10!" - All two hundred students as if from one mouth: "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" - Prof: "All right: how much is 3 times 3?" - Student: "8?" - Every two hundred students again: "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" - Examiner: "Well, you still get one chance. How much is 3 times 3?" - Student: "9?" - The students: "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
- How do you insult a mathematician? "Your brain is smaller than any epsilon!"
- Guest: "Waiter, pay, please!" - Waiter: "Four, seven, eleven ..."
- What is yellow, crooked, normalized and complete? A banana room.
- Non-mathematician to mathematician: "I find your work pretty monotonous." - Mathematician: "Maybe! But it is continuous and not limited."
- "Fibonacci" is not a short form of the Italian name F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa ccccccccccccc ccccccccccccccccccccc iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
- And if they weren't multiplied by zero, then they're still alive today.
- Statistics is the mathematical form of the lie.
- "You have to be born to solve complicated math problems." - "True statement, because if you weren't born you can't even do simple tasks."
- "How was the speed of light determined in 1644?" - "With a thermometer?!" - "But no, you put a speedometer around the neck of the photons and just checked."
- Prof .: "The postman runs 12 km / h and the dachshund 16 km / h, the distance is 50 m. When does the dachshund overtake the postman? Solve the problem with a drawing." Student: "But I can't draw a dachshund ..."
- Prof: "Mercury has a specific weight of about 14 g / cm³, iron has a specific weight of about 7 g / cm³. Does that mean that an iron ball is floating in mercury?" - Student: "Yes. Even two can swim in it ..."
- The professor opens the window and calls after the candidate: "I have to give you a 4.0. Here is someone who knows even less than you!"
- A conversation at the bar, a man (M) a stranger (F): M: "You are a logician? What is that?" - Q: "Okay, I'll explain: Do you have an aquarium?" - M: "Yes ..." - F: "Then there are definitely fish in there!" - M: "Yes ..." Q: "If there are fish in there, then you will definitely like animals too." - M: "Yes ..." - F: "If you like animals, you also like children." - M: "Yeah ..." - F: "If you like children, then you definitely have some ..." - M: "Yes!" - Q: "If you have children, you also have a wife." - M: "Yes ..." - F: "If you have a wife, then you love women" - M: "Yeah ..." - F: "If you love women, you don't love men!" - M: "logical!" - Q: "If you don't love men, then you are not gay!" - M: "right, INSANE!" - The stranger leaves and a friend comes ... - M: "You, I have to tell you something: I've just met a logician!" - Friend: "A WHAT?" - M: "A logician. I'll explain it to you - do you have an aquarium?" - F: "No ..." - M: "Gay!"
- Every second student cannot do fractions; oh, I think there are many more, at least one in three or even one in four.
- An old Prussian anecdote: a new and eager mathematics teacher at a cadet school dared to ask a student officer to prove the Pythagorean theorem. His answer was promptly: "We don't prove anything, we believe every word!"
- What is black and white and it fills the whole level? A piano curve.
- What is phi squared? - Modern art.
- Mathematicians hunt elephants by traveling to Africa, burning down everything that is not an elephant, and then removing one element of the residue.
- A math student sees a frog in the city park who says to him: "Kiss me! I am an enchanted princess:" The student wraps up the frog and shows his new achievement to his fellow students in the pub in the evening. He is then asked why he does not redeem the frog: "I have no time for a girlfriend, but I think a talking frog is great."
- When the math professor named Wiener and his family moved two blocks further into a new house, his wife explained to him how to go home because he was often lost in his mind. But when he left his office on the first day, he couldn't remember it and instead drove to his old house. He saw a little child playing and asked, "Hello little girl, can you please tell me how to get to the Wiener family?" - Child: "Yes, of course, Papa. Mama already said that you will probably be here, that's why she brought me here to show you the way home."
- "Pi is equal to 3; for sufficiently small Pi and large 3."
- When is a math lecture compact? When the room is locked and the professor confined.
- The teacher asks his pupil: "You have seven pieces of chocolate and your brother Peter wants two of them, how many do you have left?" - "Seven, sir."
- Robbery in student dormitory. - "Hands up! I'm looking for money!" - "Wait ... we're looking with you!"
- In a small café, around three thirty. A man calls the waitress and noses: "Where are the boys?" - "What guys?" - "Well, you have a sign outside 'Warm Berliners every day from 3 p.m.'"
- Come on, let's do the math: we could add you and me, subtract the clothes, divide the bed, and then multiply ...
- An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are asked to calculate 2 + 2. After three minutes the engineer comes: "The answer is exactly 4.0". Another three minutes later, after finishing a small experiment, the physicist comes and reports: "The result is about 4.002 plus-minus 0.005". After more than a week of intensive calculations, the mathematician comes back and explains: "I have not yet been able to determine the answer, but I can show that it exists."
- What does the math professor say to his wife after turning her on in bed? "The rest is trivial, you can deduce it yourself as an exercise ..."
- Three patients from an insane asylum are examined by the psychiatrist. Psychiatrist to patient 1: "How much is 2x2?" Patient 1: "5000!" Psychiatrist to patient 2: "How much is 2x2?" Patient 2: "Wednesday!" Psychiatrist to patient 3: "How much is 2x2?" Patient 3: "Four." Psychiatrist: "Very good. Can you explain to me how you came up with this result?" Patient 3: "Nothing easier than that. I divided 5000 by Wednesday ..."
- A new loudspeaker system had been installed in the lecture hall. As a rehearsal, the professor spoke into the microphone: "Can you hear me in the back rows of seats too?" A student from the penultimate row looked up briefly from a lively conversation and shouted, "Yes, Professor, but it doesn't bother us in the least!"
- What is the difference between a mathematician and an engineer? - Example: How do you operate a tea machine? 1. Put water in the tea machine. 2. Pour tea powder into the filter. 3. And finally you turn it on. - Let us consider the case that there is already water in the tea machine. What is the engineer doing? He sees that the water is already there, puts in the tea powder and switches it on. - What is the mathematician doing? He sees the water, pours it out, and has a known case.
- The development of a mathematician during his studies, illustrated by the task 5 + 5. In the first semester: The answer comes in a flash. In the second semester: He runs into the computer center, quickly writes a small program in C and then answers 10. In the third semester : He runs home, posts the question in a corresponding chat and then answers 10. And in the fourth semester: He only answers: "Am I crazy to memorize constants !?"
- Student: "Professor, can you give us an example for this proof?" - Professor: "With this proof I have already calculated all the examples for you."
- Blackberries + earth → black + strawberries. The Philosopher's Stone: Al + Cu → Au + Cl.
- What is every mathematician's favorite movie? - The silence of the lemma ...
- A physics student, a mathematics student, a business administration student and a medical student each receive a telephone directory from their professors. The physics student: "I cannot draw conclusions about the experiment from these measurement results and so the result is too imprecise and worthless!" - The math student: "These numbers cannot be summarized as a mathematical series, so by definition they are definitions and without context these definitions are worthless." - The business administration student: "Did we already ..." - The medical student just looks at the professor tiredly and asks: "Until when should I be able to do that?"
- A physics professor strolls across campus lost in thought and bumps into a math professor. The physicist had just done an experiment and worked out an empirical equation that seemed to explain his data. He asks the mathematician if he could check it out. A week later the two meet again and the mathematician says the equation is wrong. In the meantime, however, the physicist had already used the equation to make predictions for other experiments, and the results were excellent. So he asked the mathematician to look at the equation again. Another week goes by and the two meet again. The mathematician says: "The equation is correct, but only in the trivial case that all numbers are real and positive."
- How does a mathematician climb Mount Everest? - He integrates with the help of a staircase function over the mountain and then climbs it.
- How does a mathematician catch a lion in the desert? He builds a cage, sits down and defines: "Here is the outside!"
- Three engineers discuss what profession God has. The first says: "God has to be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the skeleton: A miracle of mechanics!" The second replies: "Absolutely not. God is an electrical engineer. Think about the nervous system - all the cables and connections, that's really great!" Then the third: "No, God is definitely a civil engineer. Who else would put a sewer through the entertainment district?"
- A number theorist sits desperately above the row b = 1 - 1/3 + 1/5 - 1/7 + 1/11 - 1/13 + ..., because he wants to know whether b is rational or not. A physicist and a numerical engineer come by and want to have a look at the problem: The physicist tries: "1 - 1/3 = 0.67, 1 - 1/3 + 1/5 = 0.87 ... the mean value is 0.77, so about 7 / 9, so b is rational. " The numerist says: "Nonsense! If you are already rounding, then you must at least make an error estimate!" After a cursory look at the series, he says: "Well, b = p / 4, so according to Lindemann even transcendent."
- "What do you call the height at which a cattle's head is above the ground when it bends down a meter?" - "Cow squatting."
- A group of researchers has developed a method to bring expertise into tablet form. A student then goes to the pharmacy and asks what types of knowledge pills are in stock. The pharmacist shows him a tablet and says, "Here is a pill for knowledge of English literature." The student takes the pill to test its effectiveness and immediately knows everything about English literature. "That's great! What else do you have?" Asks the student. "Well, we offer tablets for art history, biology and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student takes one each, swallows them and now knows everything about these subjects. Since that's not enough for him, he asks: "Do you also have math pills?" answers, goes to the back of some back room and comes back with a BigMac-sized tablet, which he places on the counter in front of the stunned students. "And do I have to swallow this huge part for math skills?" the student asks, astonished. The answer: "Well, math has always been difficult to compress and, above all, extremely difficult to swallow!"
- What is a polar bear? A rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.
- There's even a Nobel Prize in Mathematics this year. It was introduced to honor the discovery of Peter Petersen, a mathematician from East Frisia. Petersen discovered a whole new number. It's called SACHT and is between seven and eight.
- The mathematician should explain why there is such a rumble on the train. Of course, he proceeds in a strictly logical manner. First he examines the locomotive, the noise is not coming from it, so the locomotive can be neglected. Every car has the same rumble, so the problem can be limited to one. The mathematician listens again and the rumble comes from below. So the superstructure can also be neglected. The substructure consists of axles and wheels. The axles should be well lubricated. The wheels remain. The wheels can be described as circles with good mathematical accuracy. The area of the circle is Pi r². Pi is a constant that doesn't rumble. It can be assumed that after a while of driving the radius will also be constant. So you can cross out both. What is left? The square! And it's clear that a square is rumbling!
- Claim: A cat has nine tails Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one more tail than no cat. That is why a cat has nine tails.
- Top five excuses for missing your math homework: 1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper went up in flames. 2. I have the proof, but there is not enough room on this edge for it. 3. I have a solar calculator and it was too cloudy. 4. I locked my papers, but a four-dimensional dog came and ate them. 5. I could swear I put it in a Klein bottle, but I couldn't find it this morning.
- Let epsilon be less than zero. (Explanation)
- The teacher rebukes his little pupil: "So listen! I don't understand that you always get too much out of the arithmetic problems you do at home. Isn't your father helping you?" - "Yes, sir, he helps me." - "So. And what is his job?" - "Head waiter."
- Scientists wanted to know whether computer radiation is harmful. They locked three rats in a cage with a computer turned on, gave them food and water, and left them for a week. So, did the rats get sick? No, but you have programmed three new Unix versions!
- How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but 400 apply!
- How many quantum mechanics does it take to change a lightbulb? It takes a quantum mechanic to likely change the lightbulb.
- At the exam. Prof: "Do you see the leaves out there? What color are they?" - Student: "Green." - Prof. "When you're brown, we'll see you again."
- "With what you don't know, three others can fail!"
- A physicist hangs a horseshoe over the front door to his laboratory. His colleagues are surprised and ask him if he thinks it will bring luck to his experiments. He replies, "No, I don't believe in such superstitions. But I've been told that it helps even if you don't believe in them."
- A mathematician, a physicist and a computer user are included separately. Everyone receives two glass balls. After an hour you can see what these people do with it. The mathematician sits there and calculates the volume and surface area of the spheres. The physicist holds the spheres against the light and calculates the refractive index and absorption coefficient. The last thing you look in at the computer user is that a bullet has gone and the window broken. When asked what happened, the user just shrugs his shoulders and says: "I didn't do anything! ..."
- A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist should prove that all odd prime numbers greater than or equal to 3 are prime numbers: The computer scientist: 3 is a prime number => all other numbers are prime numbers. The mathematician: 3 is prime, 11 and 13 are prime. The rest is correct according to induction proof. Physicist: 3 true, 5 true, 7 true, 9 measurement errors, 11 true, 13 true => claim is correct
- We are all non-swimmers in the mathematical puddle.
- A math teacher meets a former student as he is getting out of a classy car with a chauffeur. He wonders: "You seem to have achieved quite a bit, although you were never a special light in arithmetic." - "Yes, you know," says the former student, "I buy T-shirts for 7 euros and sell them again for 12 euros. These 5 percent make a good living."
- Did you know that almost everyone has more legs than the average?
- The father wants to know exactly: "How many arithmetic problems did you do wrong today?" - Son: "One, Papa!" - Father: "Great! And how many have you been asked?" - Son: "Fifteen!" - Father: "You all got the other fourteen right?" - Son: "No, Papa, I didn't even start that."
- A student finds twenty euros and gives it back to his math teacher. He says: "Isn't there a 10% finder's reward for that?" The teacher replies: "Don't be so greedy, here you have five euros and now peace and quiet!"
- A statistician can stick his head in the oven and his feet in ice water and he will say, "On average, I'm fine."

If a statistician puts his head in the oven and his feet in ice water and says: "On average, the temperature is quite pleasant." - What does a mathematician answer when asked whether he wants the window open or closed? - "Yes!"
- ... and then there was the statistician who drowned in a river that was on average only four inches deep.
- "Either I do math, then I have to forget reality ... or I do physics, then I have to forget mathematics."
- An engineer is convinced that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist believes that reality is an approximation to his equations. The mathematician does not care about this problem.
- 1 + 1 = 3 (for sufficiently large 1) ... and for sufficiently small 3!
- If the zero is very large, then it's almost as much as a little one.
- An engineer, a mathematician and a physicist are at the horse race. They wonder if it is possible to calculate which horse will win. They meet again after a week. "I've looked everywhere," says the engineer, "but there is simply no table for horse racing." - Although the mathematician has proven that a formula exists, he did not have enough time to set it up. - The physicist says: "I have created a formula with which you can calculate exactly which horse wins. However, it only applies to friction-free, spherical horses in a vacuum."
- Big bills inspire confidence. At the counter of a bank. A man withdraws 2000 euros and counts the notes: "100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 600", then he puts the bundle in his pocket. - "Why don't you finish counting?" Asks the cashier. - "Not necessary. If it was right up to this point, the rest is sure to be right too!"
- How can you transform a triangle into a line? Shave.
- Claim: A crocodile is longer than it is wide. Proof: 1. A crocodile is longer than it is green. Look at a crocodile. It's long at the top and long at the bottom, but only green at the top. So a crocodile is longer than it is green. 2. A crocodile is greener than it is wide. Look at a crocodile again. It's green along the length and width, but only wide along the width. So a crocodile is greener than it is wide. From 1. and 2. it follows: The crocodile is longer than it is wide. q.e.d.
- The teacher asks, "How much is 35 divided by 5?" A student replies: "Do you want an approximate intermediate result or the final result?"
- A man walks his dog by a lake. Suddenly he sees a woman holding herself above water with the last of her strength and then sinking back unconscious. He jumps into the water, grabs the woman and pulls her to the bank. He lays her on her back and begins to make pumping movements with her arms. Each time a thick stream of water shoots out of her mouth. In the meantime, a cyclist has stopped, watches the goings-on and shakes his head. The man continues to pump and each time a jet of water comes out of the woman's mouth. The cyclist just shakes his head and says that it will never be like that. After a while the man's collar bursts and he snaps at the cyclist: "Man, shut up! I know what I'm doing, I'm a doctor." - "Well," says the other, "but I'm an engineer, and I'll tell you, as long as the woman's bottom is in the water, you should at most empty the lake."
- Professor to the student: "Does a tram actually run with direct or alternating current?" - Student: "With alternating current!" - Professor: "But doesn't she have to keep going back and forth?" - Student: "But it does!"
- A mathematician and a civil engineer are supposed to calculate the statics of a four-legged table. What does the civil engineer do? He looks at his construction calendar, takes out his calculator and calculates the result. What does the mathematician do? It first calculates the statics of a one-legged table and then the statics for a table with n + 1 legs, if that of an n-legged table is known. Then he applies this formula three times to his first result.
- A professor relates: Years ago I gave a lecture for beginners and, as it should be, started with logic. First I explained what is meant by a "statement": A statement is a text, the content of which is either true or false. As an example I mentioned the sentence: "Karl is sick". At that moment it occurred to me, simmering, that I absolutely needed a living person named Karl, to whom the sentence referred. Otherwise the sentence could not be called true or false, i.e. H. it wasn't a statement at all. In order to repair the damage as quickly as possible, I asked in the hall: "Is there someone among you whose name is Karl?" - Seconds of silence! Then a voice from the background: "He's sick!"
- Michael Schumacher drove to get bread every morning. Schumi's favorite baker was less than ten minutes away, i. H. about 80 kilometers from residence.
- So it started quite harmlessly: with chatting about God and the world. Then came the first discussions about math or physics homework. In the meantime we are already thinking about in the tram what would happen if the train ran at the speed of light and we walked forward or, at a price of 4.19 euros, thinking about the specific heat capacity of water. Well, that's how it starts ...
- A pupil, a student and a mathematician are given the task of calculating 2 + 2. The student takes a pencil and writes: "2 + 2 = 4" The student takes his calculator and receives the result "4" after 5 minutes. The mathematician calculates a whole hour. Then he says: "1. There is a solution." "2. It is clear." "3. The solution set is a subset of the real numbers."
- How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator? Analysis: Differentiate the elephant and put it in the refrigerator. Then integrate it in the refrigerator. - Number theory: use full induction: you can always squeeze in a bit more. - Algebra: First show that you can bring parts of the elephant into it. Then show that the refrigerator has completed the addition. - Topology: Make the elephant swallow the fridge. Then swap inside and outside. - Numerical Analysis: Just put the tail in the fridge and give everything else to the remainder.
- A non-commissioned officer explains to the officer students: "Imagine, n tanks arrive at our place. No, n is not enough, let's say k tanks ..."
- How do you recognize an extrovert mathematician? He looks at your feet when he talks to you.
- Oral high school diploma in physics. The first student comes in and is asked by the examiner: - "Which is faster, the light or the sound?" Answer: "The sound, of course!" Examiner: "Can you explain that?" Answer: "When I turn on my television, the sound comes first and then the picture." Examiner: "You failed. Next please." - The next student comes in and is asked the same question. Answer: "The light, of course!" Examiner: (relieved by the answer) "Can you explain that too?" Answer: "When I switch on my radio, first the lamp lights up and then the sound comes on." Examiner: "OUT! You failed too! Call the last student in!" - Before that, the teacher gets a flashlight and a horn. In front of the student he turns on the flashlight and at the same time honks the horn. Examiner: "What did you notice first, the light or the sound?" Student: "The light, of course." Examiner: "Can you explain that too?" Student: "Of course! The eyes are further forward than the ears.
- "You can't rely on the teacher. Today he said 2 and 3 are 5. But yesterday he said 1 and 4 are 5."
- The teacher goes to the board and writes 3: 3 on it. "Who can tell me what's coming out of here?" Answer from a student: "Clear case: a tie!"
- The optimist: "The glass is half full." - The pessimist: "The glass is half empty." - The engineer: "The glass is twice as big as it should be." - The mathematician: "The volume of the vitreous is unchanged."
- Nothing is a missing cause without any effect.
- "To amuse the corrector, I always advocate swapping d and e compared to the lecture version, or even bringing it to the other side ..." - "That reminds me of a math assignment in which one of my classmates ran out of Greek letters. He then called a corner 'Franz' ".
- The worst tick is mathematic tick.
- w.z.b.w. = which would be doubtful
- What is induction Prove that 60 is divisible by all numbers! This goes as follows: Take samples, i.e. 60/1, 60/2, 60/3, 60/4, 60/5, 60/6 ... great, works quite well. Distances larger: 60/10, 60/12, 60/15 ... great. One more try: 60/30 works! Great, successful proof - as the test series shows.
- "In the year 2000, every third driver will be older than 60 years. This was announced by the Federal Highway Research Institute (BASt) in BergischGladbach. Currently only a third of drivers belong to this age group." from "Stern" No. 46
- Claim: all natural numbers are interesting. - Proof: Assuming it wasn't som then there is a smallest natural number that is not interesting. This number is obviously interesting, which contradicts the assumption that it is not interesting. This is a contradiction, so the assumption that shows the claim must be wrong.
- Allegedly it has now been proven experimentally that the order can also be inverted.
- What is a cluster point of Poland? - Warsaw.
- "A mathematician is a person who not only immediately understands a thought presented to him, but also recognizes the error in thinking it is based on."
- Theorem: Mathematicians are convergent. Proof: Mathematicians are monotonous and limited. q.e.d.
- The absent-minded professor to his assistant: "Where is my pencil?" - "Behind your ear, Professor!" - He replies angrily: "Always those imprecise answers! Behind which ear ?!"
- Did you know that rabbits not only master the multiplication tables, but also pull roots.
- A physicist and a mathematician are faced with the problem of warming a bucket of water over a fire. Physicist: takes the bucket and hangs it over the fire. Mathematician: takes the bucket and hangs it over the fire. Now it gets more difficult: the water bucket is moved to another place. Physicist: takes the bucket and hangs it over the fire. Mathematician: takes the bucket and puts it back in its old place. Now he has traced the problem back to a familiar one.
- Leo and Moni are puzzling. Leo explains: "I'm tossing the coin up now. With heads I win, with tails you lose!"
- How many times can you subtract 7 from 83 and what is left in the end? - You can subtract 7 from 83 as many times as you want and each time there will be 76 left.
- Erich has been trying to look after the pretty Resi the whole evening. He incessantly invites her to dance and finally he overcomes his initial shyness! - "I am a mathematician!" He proclaims with a swollen chest. - "Nice for you.", Says Resi dryly, "But you don't need to count on me!"
- A physicist is someone who can explain any technical defect but cannot repair it.
- Prof .: "Why does the parabolic dish have such a shape?" Student: "So that all that stuff doesn't fall out!"
- Have a mathematician and a physicist bring water to a boil: 1. Cold water: Both pour it into a tub and heat it until it boils. 2. Warm water: The physicist heats it up in the same way, but the mathematician dumps the warm water and fills his vessel with cold water and heats it up. He attributed the matter to a problem that had already been solved!
- The mathematician David Hilbert was famous for his poor mental arithmetic. Once in his lecture he was faced with the problem of having to calculate 8 times 7: "Well, gentlemen, how much is 8 times 7?" - "55?" - Another student: "57" - Then Hilbert: "But gentlemen, the solution can only be either 55 or 57!"
- What is an impossible homework assignment in hydrochloric acid? - A problem solved!
- A dairy wants to increase its production and hires a biologist, a business economist and a mathematician to work out appropriate projects. After half a year of intensive camping on the cattle pastures, the biologist suggests a special fertilization of the grass, which would ultimately increase the milk yield by 30%. Another year later, the BWL-he proudly announces that due to his stunning new company organization, unfortunately half of all employees would have to look for a new job, but milk production could be increased by 50%. Three years have now passed, the problem has almost been forgotten, the biologist fired because the milk began to laugh, and the business graduate lynched by the angry workforce. Then the completely sleepy mathematician appears with his head held high and with disheveled hair: "We can easily quadruple production: Let's assume the cow is point-shaped and in a vacuum ..."
- The most frequently asked questions. Engineer: "How does it work?" - Economist: "How expensive will it be?" - Mathematician: "How can you calculate that?" - Physicist: "Would you like ketchup with that?"
- A physicist, a mathematician and an economist are given the task of determining the height of a church tower. How do you do it? The physicist uses a stone and a stopwatch. The mathematician calculates the height by applying the ray theorems with the help of his thumb. The economist gives the pastor 20 euros for the answer.
- Trying to find the right partner for love and life amounts to the same thing as trying to fly to the moon without any math.
- "If you delete some digits from the number z (...) (...), you get a new number with fewer digits."
- "The sum of the squares on the legs is equal to the square on the hypotenuse." - "Aha. The triangle above the hypothesis is therefore equal to the triangle above one catheter plus the triangle above the other catheter." - "Well, that's almost true. But how about: The triangle at the cathode could hypothetically hum if you compare the squares."
- If an individual is human, then it's likely not the Pope (odds are 1 in 710
^{9}) => The current Pope is almost certainly not human - God created heaven, earth, and the binomial formulas, and he saw that it was good.
- Three statisticians go hunting. After a while they see a rabbit. The first one aims and shoots past to the left. The second aims and shoots right past. The third calls out: Hit!
- Heisenberg drives on the autobahn and is stopped by the police. The officer asks for the driver's license and the vehicle registration document, looks at them and asks: "Mr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you drove?" - "No", replies Heisenberg, "but I know where I am now!"
- In court, the mathematician insisted that he had given signals at the scene of the accident with a lamp that he waved back and forth for a minute. He got up and demonstrated how he had done it. The court believed his story and the lawsuit was dismissed. "Congratulations," the defender congratulated when it was over. "You were very convincing on the stand." "Thank you," replied the mathematician, "but the public prosecutor scared me a lot." - "How is that?" Asked the lawyer. "I was afraid he'd ask me if the lamp was on!"
- The fifth grade math teacher asks: "Which numbers between 1 and 10 are divisible by 2?" "All of them," replies the daughter of a mathematician.
- In Alaska, where it is very cold, Pi is only 3 because, as we know, everything shrinks when it gets cold (Pi is also called Eskimo Pi there).
- A man comes into a pub and orders a beer. When he wants to pay, the landlord says "2 euros 60". The man counts off 60 cents and throws them behind the counter. The host is angry, but collects the change and grumbles to himself. The next day the man comes back and orders a beer. When he wants to pay, the landlord says "2 euros 60". The man puts two 2 euro coins on the table. "Now I have you", thinks the landlord, counts 1 euro 40 cents and throws them next to the guest, they are spread all over the place. The guest thinks about it for a moment, then puts 1 euro 20 cents on the table and says "Another beer, please!"
- Have a mathematician, a physicist and a mechanical engineer figure out the volume of a small red rubber ball. The mathematician measures the diameter and then calculates the volume. The physicist dips the ball into a bucket full of water and looks to see what kind of water displacement it has. The machine builder has a look at the "DIN for small red rubber balls"!
- "Then I want to explain it again very simply. So it doesn't really get any easier: Imagine the wave function of a water molecule ..."
- A mathematician: "I don't believe anything until it has been proven." - A physicist: "I believe everything as long as it has not been refuted." - A chemist: "I don't care." - A biologist: "I don't understand the question."
- For math, I'm on 3. I haven't had anything with two of them.
- Two parallels meet.
- Let R be the set of all sets that do not contain themselves as an element.
- Is λ already fried? No, the φ is still ρ.
- How does a mathematician catch sheep? - He fences himself in and defines himself as the outside.
- "Let's make a concrete example: let's put alpha equal to epsilon ..."
- Which invoice has to be paid first? The one from the prostitute or the one from Flensburg? - "Not paying attention in math ?! Point calculation takes precedence over line calculation. "
- Why is there “n-1” in the formula for the standard deviation in the denominator? So that medical professionals also notice that no statistics should be created for a single special case.
- What does a mathematician do in the toilet? Pi square.
- What is on a mathematician's tombstone? → "He didn't expect that."
- What does a straight line do in the land of parables? She goes to the integration course.

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