How porn humiliates women

I masturbated and then felt sorry for the women

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Maybe that's just my very own tit. But the exchange with others teaches me: For many men the hidden charm of classic pornography lies in the longing for a certain type of mother and in the fear of precisely this: the merging, narcissistically abusive mother. Humiliation serves as an intensifier of the stimulus. It is taken for granted that men humiliate women in order to feel more powerful about themselves. Sometimes this is called "male fantasy" and you don't ask any further questions.

As a teenage porn watcher, I already understood the humiliation of women in the fact that they were shown naked, because as a result, according to the slut stigma, she lost value. Even as a 13-year-old I didn't want to be callous and selfish and use people for my own satisfaction. At the same time - and the films brought it to light - that's exactly what I wanted. I masturbated during certain scenes and then felt sorry for the women because I'd degraded them to sex objects. The fact that the men's characters weren't exactly drawn bothered me less. I didn't feel sorry for them, although they are also purely functional characters in the film.

Freedom in sadism?

Even if it was just a production: Why did the women play in something like that? Their humiliation, which could be viewed around the world, was real. It wasn't until later that I understood: humiliation and being humiliated are two sides of the same coin that is forged from injuries to self-esteem and a ritual re-enactment as a sexual act. Porn is a - often tastelessly staged - dance around our deepest wounds. Certainly, there is porn that is completely different - today everyone is talking about Erika Lust and fair trade organic porn with guaranteed happy actors. Some swear by alcohol-free beer and vegan sausages. But many do not watch less friendly porn even though they leave you feeling uncomfortable, but precisely because of that.

I was lucky. I didn't get addicted to porn. But my fantasies were clearly shaped by the films I saw as a teenager. Later experiences could not completely overwrite this imprint. To this day, I ask myself questions: Can you still grow up without pornography shaping your own desires? Is there a connection between pornography consumption and sexual violence? Before someone shouts "nonsense" or "sure enough": The scientific debate on this is complex, differentiated and possibly still productive for unequivocal porn opponents and advocates. Another question: did a number of male commentators react so defensively to the #MeToo debate because they feared their fantasies would be pilloried? Do all men today have to be ashamed of their sexual desires? Should we talk about it? With who? How? Do we see internal conflicts more as a threat than as a catalyst that fuels our creativity? Are we free when we need to humiliate others and ourselves? Between us guys, the sexual revolution has only just begun.