When you can't forgive
Why forgiveness is the most powerful weapon and the greatest key to freedom. And the only option for you.
Forgiveness is definitely not an issue that makes clickbating headlines:
the word sounds more like Mother Theresa.
After old school.
After Jesus sandals.
After an abstract emotional act.
After weakness and giving in.
By no means sexy-determined and "I take my life into my hands" -like.
I am convinced:
Forgiveness is one of the most underrated and misunderstood topics of all (for a reason! But more on that in a moment).
It is neither lame nor boring, but an absolutely effective and powerful weapon that removes negative influences from your life forever, and leaves you in the end as a winner.
Anyone reading the following should be warned in advance:
You will not necessarily like what comes next, you will not scream “Yay!
I am not writing this to spark or polarize controversial discussions.
I write how it IS and what REALLY helps you, whether it suits you emotionally or not, is not so crucial.
In the long run, you’re doing well, and that’s the only thing that counts.
This of course applies to all coaching posts, but this time especially because a) it really gets to the point and b) you have to trust me, because otherwise it seems almost impossible.
The last ones can get out at this point, and the rest:
1. Forgiveness affects everyone.
I've already written it a thousand times:
the world is bad, the devil exists, deal with it.
It's not all Lieeeebeee, and whoever heals that is hanging on to a romanticized wishful thinking.
There are parents who neglect or abandon their children.
There are partners who cheat, hurt and abuse.
There are friends who slander and abuse trust.
There are people who do evil to harm others, some unconsciously, some deliberately.
And most likely you've seen some of this before.
And it will happen again, as much as I would wish the opposite for you.
Such experiences are not only extremely painful in the moment, but often have consequences that reach far into the future.
Some evil acts not only hurt momentarily, but also leave deep wounds.
Some injuries make tangible changes in your life.
Sometimes there is actual damage that has an impact on your entire life, be it family, be it financially, be it circumstantial, relational: really practical.
Far beyond crying and broken trust, you may have to deal with major life changes - and not because you decided and wanted to, but because someone else's bad act leaves you no choice.
This is particularly unjust and cries out for retribution, because:
"If this asshole hadn't, then ..." - then the bad would not have happened.
The need for justice is deeply developed in all of us, and so that it doesn't hurt so much, we would like to inflict pain on the other, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
Or at least hate him for the rest of our lives if you can't get him back straight away.
The injury always hurts, no matter how long ago it was - sometimes you suppress it and experience it with unexpected violence in a meeting or similar experience.
The reproach, the pain, the anger, the hatred are constant companions - up to complete bitterness and negative personality change.
If you recognize yourself in it, then I have really good news for you:
Today it will all turn out to be good for you.
And this is how it works:
2. Why forgiveness is the only option for you.
You have to believe me:
I can understand the pain and anger so, so well, all the tears and the disappointment and the recurring:
"How could she / he ...?"
Yeah, it hurt. And maybe still does.
I don't blame you for it.
This may be new to you, but:
Forgiveness has NOTHING to do with the other person, it has EVERYTHING to do with you.
The other person was angry - that was YOUR part.
You have / had no control over that.
But what you have the full power of decision is YOUR life.
If you don't forgive the person (we'll get to that exactly how to do that), some of that destructive, hurtful energy will remain a part of you forever.
You allow (unconsciously, because it hurts so much. Again: I'm not blaming you!) That this pain gets a space in your heart, your feelings and your body.
And that pain does harm. All the time.
You have to imagine it this way:
An injury and the unforgiveness that follows is always an opening for a destructive energy - or the attempt to forever negatively shape your life through this destruction.
It is like a door through which negative thoughts and feelings can walk in and out UNINQUIRED.
And these thoughts and feelings will torment you, make life difficult for you, have a negative impact on important future decisions (e.g. choosing a new partner. Or in general the way you shape relationships.) And will NEVER leave you voluntarily.
The influence on your life is far too effective for that.
Forgiveness is THE tool to get you down.
And not once, but PERMANENTLY.
Do you understand what i am trying to say?
One thing is what happened to you - that was bad, no question about it.
The other is what unforgiveness does - it is absolutely destructive and highly dangerous.
An injury that is not forgiven for a long time turns into bitterness.
Bitterness is a prison that has not only emotional (bad enough!), But concrete physical consequences:
Sleep disorders, gastrointestinal problems, eating disorders, etc.
And you never want to get bitter, right?
2. Forgiveness is not giving in and not a confession of weakness.
Forgiveness is the pure exercise of power.
“I will NEVER forgive you for that.” Sounds so superior and so harsh.
The devil has achieved exactly what he wanted: he has permanently (because you NEVER forgive it) burst his disgusting seed into you, which will gradually poison you from within.
It will rob you of all your inner beauty and your lightness, cloud your lightheartedness and happiness.
You will always be the one who was played badly.
The one who suffered bad things.
The one who has been lied to and betrayed.
Forgiveness is powerlessness.
Forgiveness is conscious action.
Forgiveness is NOT Letting the poison dart hit the target - bad enough it was shot down.
To forgive does not mean that you legitimize or weaken what happened.
It just means that you forego your right to retaliation and reparation and recourse for the sake of your happiness.
Not because of the other person, BECAUSE OF YOU.
When you forgive, you are not letting that disappointment / injury poison your thoughts and feelings, destroy your personality, and tear you down for an extra day.
If you forgive, you take the ammunition from the gun that was fired at you.
Rather, YOU purposefully point the weapon against the devil by saying, “Look: It was meant to make me a broken, injured, and embittered person. But I forgive. You can't do anything to me. "
I promise you:
If you forgive the person who hurt you so badly and caused you so much evil, this situation will NOT have a negative impact on your personality.
So is forgiveness a powerful weapon or what ?!
Forgiveness is the pure exercise of power.
3. How to forgive.
- You don't have to feel it.
"Joanna, I want to forgive, but it hurts soooo!"
Forgiveness has nothing to do with not feeling the pain anymore.
No injury just gets that weaker over time, you can wait a long time for that.
At most, it will no longer be as present, but it can continue to develop its destructive effect regardless (and sometimes it will show itself quite surprisingly, e.g. when meeting the person or in trigger situations).
Forgiveness is a choice.
Never under duress.
You forgive by checking what's actually going on:
Yes, forgiveness may cost you to overcome, BUT FORGIVENESS WILL COST YOUR LIFE.
You recognize what is happening behind the scenes (= in your heart), take responsibility for your life, and make an announcement:
“Bad enough what happened back then. But from now on I will no longer allow this experience to permanently destroy my life. Person XY, I forgive you. I let you go. Everything you did to me is forgiven you. I don't blame you any longer. "
(And if you cry while doing it, it doesn't matter. It is also true if you cry while doing it.)
It is one of the most powerful and far-reaching decisions you can ever make in your life.
You have no idea how crucial this will turn your life for the better.
The pain will then go away all by itself, trust me.
And never come back.
- You don't need remorse or apology from the other person.
Of course, it's easier emotionally to let go when the guilty party regrets and expresses what they did to you.
But I would never wait for that (If I were the devil I would just keep you waiting for this for years. Best of all forever.)
The decision to internally forgive the person has NOTHING to do with their behavior and EVERYTHING to do with your internal health.
The most effective way of removing their poison is to say, “Person XY, I am letting go of you. I'm not asking for redress. I completely forgive you as if it never happened. "
In truth, this is the ONLY way to get rid of the poison:
Either you hold it against the person “You destroyed my life! You hurt me! ", Live with the consequences that this has for you for years, and then give the person a lot of power over your life.
Or you forgive her forever, and thereby exercise power yourself.
There is no alternative option.
- To forgive does not mean that you will continue to interact with the person or that you will ever have to see them again.
you can meet someone freely after you have forgiven them (you can tell that when you see them - no disgusting feelings arise in you that you cannot control).
But that doesn't mean that you have to keep in constant contact with this person!
Especially not if there is no change in sight on your part - that would mean exposing yourself to the injuries over and over again.
That would be the stupidest thing ever.
It then looks like that you do not blame the person for what was then, but limit or even completely prevent you from dealing with them because their unchanged negative nature is not good for you.
Is it also logical, who likes to surround themselves with people who keep treating you badly?
However, forgiveness is so powerful that theoretically a new contact would be possible at any time (because you no longer have anything against this person) - but that actually only makes sense if the person has really changed.
You can part with people and still have forgiven them.
It has something to do with self-dignity and self-respect.
Often enough, an injury is the decisive reason for a separation, which was actually long overdue.
If you forgive the person now, you will see that it has in truth brought you further than thrown you back.
“But Joanna, what this person did actually set me back! Practically, financially, in terms of health. "
But now ADDITIONALLY not forgiving would be the worst case scenario.
Then you are forever the one who was played badly.
The one who has been betrayed and lied to.
The one who's an asshole's victim.
The one who was disappointed and stolen.
DO YOU WANT TO BE THAT ?!
Or do you prefer to be the one who emerged from the worst of the situation as the shining winner?
The one who looks so boldly, so lightly, so trustingly (not to be confused with naive), so confidently into the future, as if she had NEVER been hurt?
Do you want to be that person who has forgiven things that a person can hardly forgive because they have realized that their own life is far too precious for poison?
The one who made gold out of shit?
Do you want to be that person behind whose back they don't whisper, "Since then, she's been broken." Instead, they go before many with admiration as a shining example - as if nothing bad had ever happened?
Then forgiveness is your only option.
- How to be very practical when you forgive.
I would not be on "Today I feel like it.“Wait, but - when you have really grasped what I have written about - act immediately.
On the spot.
Every day without this poison is a win for you.
You don't need to see or speak to the person, but be sure to say LOUD:
„Person XY, I forgive you for everything you did to me. I forgive you your debt.“
And then you stick with it.
And you vehemently send away everything that wants to explain to you again why it was so bad after all, and you have every right to be hurt, and do you remember how the asshole ... etc.
STOP. Forgiven is forgiven.
Jil said to me, “If you've really forgiven someone, you can't even call them an asshole afterwards. Because you don't give him credit for it. Even if it was really an asshole action. "
Forgiveness is pure healing, real exercise of power, liberation from the inner prison.
Forgiveness is greatness and strength.
Forgiveness is a love ambassador's lifestyle.
Maybe forgiveness used to be considered old school, but that's over now.
We make forgiveness great again.
„What to do when you've been treated unfairly. “- This text will also help you.
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