Is it okay to bully your sibling?

How to create a good relationship with your brother or sister?

TIP 1:Think about why you have such strong negative feelings about your sister or brother.

Find out what exactly is bothering you about your sister or brother and why it is bothering you. What did he or she do that you see as a threat to yourself? What are you accusing him or her of doing? If you have a lot of allegations, the best thing to do is to write them down in a list.

TIP 2:Put yourself in the shoes of your sister or brother. What motives could have moved him to his behavior at the time?

What kind of person is he or she, what is his or her attitude to life? When he or she hurts you, it is usually because he or she feels inferior to you and felt hurt by you in some way first. In particular, if your allegations relate to childhood, you should take into account what behavior your sister or brother was capable of at the time.

TIP 3:Ask yourself: What would your sister or brother need to do differently?

More confidence, self-love, the ability to talk about feelings, emotional maturity, more attention from parents, ...?

TIP 4:What contribution could you have made to his negative behavior?

You may have added fuel to the fire at the time - simply because you were emotionally immature. Over time it could have developed into a kind of vicious circle in which each of the two of you felt attacked and hurt by the other over and over again.

TIP 5:Were there any external circumstances or other people that triggered or exacerbated the bad relationship between the two of you?

It often happens, for example, that siblings are played off against each other after their parents have separated from them. Kchildren take on the parents' assessment unfiltered. Or if a sibling is chronically ill and requires and receives constant parental attention, this can be very hurtful for his brother or sister. It feels unimportant and left alone.

TIP 6:Check your attitudes towards your sister or brother.

Behind feelings of hatred, there is always an evaluation and a demand. For example:

  • The other is mean and devious. He can't be what he is because it hurts me.
  • The other was unfair. He shouldn't have acted like that towards me because I don't think that's right.
  • The other is loveless. As my sister or brother, he should be nice to me and love me.


This attitude towards your sister or brother creates feelings of hatred. You feel threatened by him or her through this attitude. Think about whether your sister or brother can actually still be a threat to you as an adult. Or is it that you still act like the little girl or the little boy towards him or her? You now lead your own life, make friends and are responsible for yourself. You can now keep your distance from him or her and can also live without her / his attention and recognition.

TIP 7:Write a letter to your sister or brother.

In this letter, describe to him / her how you experienced and assessed his / her behavior and how you felt. In doing so, take up the situations that you listed under point 1.

Don't blame yourself, stay with yourself. Just describe your observations, thoughts, and feelings. Describe this in the "I-form": "I experienced the situation like this ..., so ... evaluated it and I felt like this ..." Also describe what specific behavior you are different from yourself Sister or your brother.

Take your time for this letter. You can continue it over and over for a long period of time - whenever you can think of small painful episodes. If you have the impression that you have now expressed everything, conclude with the sentence: "Now I have told you everything that was on my mind and I am ready to let the past rest and forgive you." Say Repeat this sentence until you can feel it to be true inside.

TIP 8:Think about the future.

What would change in your life if you accepted your sister or brother for who she or he is? What would happen if you forgave him or her for his behavior? Picture how you would feel and act differently yourself. Imagine what would change in your relationship with your partner, your parents, your friends or colleagues.

TIP 9:Make a choice to accept and forgive.

Accepting and forgiving your sister or brother does not mean that you approve of her or his behavior and that you find it right. It just means that you accept that he or she is a family member and that he or she acted or acted in that way towards you. It also means accepting that he or she thinks and feels completely different from you.

Your sister or brother can be like that even if you don't like it and don't see it right. You do not need to contact her or him if you have avoided it so far. The point here is to make peace with him or her inside.

It's okay if you're disappointed or sad because you can't have a good relationship with your sister or brother.