You could stay drunk indefinitely
The ultimate list of all the drunk you will ever meet
Gossip newspapers and their cute articles. The British Sunrecently reported that EVERYONE holds their drink differently, but we can all be put in specific drinking drawers. "University of Missouri researchers piddled 187 students with questions about their tipsy and sober behavior."
OK, I get it: we are all totally unique. We consume and process alcohol differently. Behaviors and moods change. All right.
But there is more: "The experts then determined the four most common types of drunkenness ..." Wait a minute! Are we really supposed to believe that there are only four different types of drunkenness? Allegedly the following are:
- the Hemingway (drinks and stays the same)
- the Mary Poppins (drinks and suddenly becomes very nice and sociable)
- the crazy professor (drinks and develops a second personality)
- Mr. Hyde (drinks and turns into an asshole)
The wet ones, the kebab devourers, the circulatory weaklings and the types who always end up in the sobering cell are not mentioned with a single syllable.
While I respect science, and I understand that the University of Missouri researchers only squeezed out 187 students, this is still not clear. Did the scientists actually make a complete and accurate list of all the different types of drunkards? No, they don't. I do, however. May I help you:
The drunk who first disappears and then comes back with a full stomach
One of the most impressive moments of my alcoholic career was when I watched the soccer cup final in a pub with a few friends and then disappeared for an hour. During this hour I went to the nearest supermarket, completely drunk, bought myself a mountain of food and devoured it all outside on the sidewalk. Everyone knows a drunk like that - someone who turns the bend at some point in the evening and only comes back when he's covered himself in garlic sauce from top to bottom.
The drunk who disappears, comes back and, when asked where he was, becomes very still and ...
In short, he fell asleep in the toilet.
The drunk who absolutely has to hear this one song now
The intoxication of this drunk doesn't really start until around 10:30 p.m., because he was quite quiet before and then suddenly, as if by magic, suddenly jerks up, stumbles in the direction of the bartender and says: "Can I quickly plug my iPod in? Really a song!" If you are on a bus at this point, it will force you to watch an Arctic Monkeys Lyric video on its smartphone that is constantly hanging thanks to the poor network. It's worst, however, when you're at a house party and he crawled up to the stereo, fiddled with it, had a brief rustle and then there was silence. Everyone present looks puzzled. Suddenly he stands there with his eyes closed and swings a finger back and forth to the beat of his song. He then repeats over and over again: "No, you have to go now every single note do that eight-minute guitar intro! "Believe me, this guy gets his face polished a lot.
The drunk who always (!) Manages to conjure up a flower crown somewhere and then wear it all evening long
She is a magician, a witch. She is kind of like a snotty David Copperfield who needs two buddies who stand by him when he goes to the toilet and open his pants.
The drunk who can no longer move and is still happy
My favorite drunk guy turns into a very happy corpse at some point in the course of the evening: He laughs and is talkative, but at the same time his eyes roll up again and again and his body is practically clinically dead. He has to be at 7:30 pm Limit reaches and ends up in a taxi that drives around aimlessly because he does not want to give his correct address - all part of a totally funny prank. I love people like that because nothing seems to ever happen to them. They don't get stolen, they don't throw up, and they don't end up comatose in the subway, falling asleep and missing their stop. No, despite all the alcohol, they somehow always find their way to their own bed - around 9 p.m. and with a smile on their faces.
The drunk who, in his opinion, can still walk or ride a bike without help, but then first travels eight kilometers in the wrong direction and then calls his mother for help
The following weekend, of course, exactly the same thing happens again. Elton John was spot on with his "Circle of Life" thing. Unfortunately, he did not mention how often you have to sleep on a traffic island in this eternal cycle.
The drunk who absolutely has to spend another round ... and another ... and another ...
In every night of partying, there comes a point at which everyone present silently agrees that it is enough now and that you could share a taxi home.
However, there is always one guy who grabs your upper arm with one hand and fetches the bartender with the other. There are already four more shots and two beers in front of you and he comes so close that you can literally feel his spit on your ear: "Just one more round, dude! One more is possible!" From this point on it goes steeply downhill, because of course the guy knows some shed that is "definitely" still open. So it's back out in the cold (you don't have a sweater with you) and you stumble through the streets until you stand in front of a strip club. He pays admission for both of you and in the rhinestones of a cheesy thong you can watch every stupid decision you made that got you to this point by.
When you are finally home - regardless of whether you are drunk or sober again - your wallet is relieved by 100 euros and you have to be back to work in two hours. Suddenly you get several alcohol-laden WhatsApp messages from your drinking buddy: "Awesome evening! Really awesome!" However, he kept typing. "Do you remember how I talked about Bucharest? I just got us two plane tickets!"
And then another 400 euros and a week of your annual vacation have gone. There is no escape for you now. You are best friends now and you will die together in Romania.
The drunk who keeps telling the same thing with half-closed eyes and who somehow later manages to drink vodka and howl at the same time
Recently at my own house party, I spent a whopping two hours listening to a friend tell me the same anecdote 15 to 20 times in a row. And believe me, it wasn't a funny or well-presented anecdote.
The drunk who suddenly loses his nerve during the typical drunkenness and is in a totally bad mood afterwards
6:30 pm: "All right, guys! I'll have a Heineken! Haha. EX OR ASSHOLE, EX OR ASSHOLE!"
6:45 pm: [extremely loud belch] "The round is on you!"
7:07 pm: [he notices that a drinking buddy is on the phone with his girlfriend] "HE'S GAY! Haha, I was kidding! HE'S GOING OUT! JO, WILL YOU CLEAR THE OLD TODAY OR SHOULD I TAKE OVER IT FOR YOU ? Hahaha! "
7:59 pm: [he sucks you] "Sacked! Hahaha! The good old sacking game. We all did it before. No, you mustn't sack me back."
8:45 pm: "I can karate!"
9:03 pm: [someone makes a totally harmless joke about his mother] "What did you say, dude? Take that back now! No, not at all cool! Why are you suddenly making an asshole now? You always are been an asshole! I don't know why. [his voice rolls over and he's about to cry, but can catch himself again] You're an asshole, that's the reason. No, dude! Fuck off! Fuck off! You are all wankers anyway! Why are you protecting him now? You assholes! Fuck off! Piss off! "
The drunk who desperately needs to argue with you about something you allegedly said about him eight months ago, while lightly pressing his fingertips to your chest
"No no, it's okay. I just mean because I heard you said something about me. No, it's really good, I know you didn't really say that. But I just heard it and That's why I thought: 'Did he really say that?' And now you come over here to me and say you didn't say that. No, dude. You are really a cool guy. And you have real balls! I mean, you come over here to me and say that to me I think that's really correct. You need real eggs for that. But you should also know that I really wanted to make you cold 30 or 40 seconds ago! "
The three inseparable drunks who stand together in silence in the club like a kind of Cerberus, silently drinking shots, silently eating snacks, silently giving the kebab man on the cap and probably also silently towing a girl for a foursome
Sometimes you just find the yin to your yang. And sometimes this yin-yang combination then finds a third suitable half. In a threesome you are able to merge into a unity. Your souls, your thoughts, and your bodies become one - especially when you've already got five beers and you're playing football in some bar.
The drunk who throws himself away in such a way that as a "guardian angel" you have to transform yourself into a real nurse
I believe that the brain is able to stay relatively sober while the rest of the body is totally drunk — the skeleton, muscles, jaw, and tongue. You practically transform yourself into a limp mountain of meat, who only has to say "No, I'm fine, honestly!" can give of itself. Two buddies have to drag you by the arms to the toilet, where you first get a wash and then go to piss. Lumpy drunks have a huge advantage because they never actually have to pay for a taxi. Some kind friend always gives the driver 20 euros and then says in a very friendly manner: "Please bring him home safely!" However, there is also a huge disadvantage: the chance that the sloppy drunk will shit his pants in public is much higher compared to the normal drunk. So it is somehow balanced.
The drunk who is not even aware of the problem his addiction to drink has become for him and his environment, and who will ruin each of his friendships and relationships in the long term; he is the spider that gnaws at its own web and hopes not to fall; he always goes to work with a grumpy head, is always tired and always has a few pounds too much on his hips, but still gets thirsty during the lunch break when the unmistakable smell of stale beer and worn carpets wafts from a bar, and thinks himself that a little pils can do no harm; on Monday evening they say: "Hey, it's Monday, time for a few cans of beer. You can never go wrong with that. The guy from the shop around the corner already knows me when I have a few euros too little with me, I'll just pay for them next time. Cool guy! "; on Tuesday he wakes up again with puffy eyes and the cycle goes on forever, until at some point he no longer knows what it feels like to be really lively in the morning; this development was so creeping that he didn't really notice it, and when he looked in the mirror he thought to himself: "Shit, I got really old! When did that happen? My skin is really pale, but actually everything fits, right? "; then he goes to work, a colleague tells something about her hangover, he then says a little too loudly that he will no longer have a hangover at all, and an embarrassing silence follows, because everyone present already knows that, because his whole life is a only hangover or the painful recovery from a subliminal suffering that he inflicts on himself again and again.
But yeah, another beer can't hurt, right?
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