Has my heel had an overdose

Ketamine Overdose: How I fell into the 'K-Hole'

I wake up confused. Then I see the drip and hear the beeping. A clinic in East Berlin. My girlfriend is sitting next to the bed. "Oh, thank God!" She calls out. She sounds angry and relieved at the same time. A doctor comes in. "I was lucky again," he says.

I had overdosed, I was in the k-hole. Ketamine makes the nervous system almost detach itself from the rest of the body. One can experience psychosis or anxiety. Or die.

In the days after the incident, I often feel alone, helpless, very heavy. Whenever I am overwhelmed with a situation, where there are too many people on the subway, the world seems to turn a little too fast, I have panic attacks. Again and again the voices of the paramedics. "Toni, Toni, you mustn't die." I drink more so as not to feel any of this.

With every emotional low came a party technical high

As the son of an alcoholic, I learned that alcohol and drugs can numb emotions. As the son of an alcoholic, I have unfortunately not learned how to deal with one's feelings. In relationships, when it all got too much, I got drunk. I didn't want to feel my despair. But with every emotional low came a technical high. More alcohol, more consumption, feeling less.

But it was ketamine for the last time.

Because the fear of the complete loss of control grew bigger and bigger. The fun and the crash moved closer together. I gave up alcohol and drugs at the age of 24, a year after the k-hole. That was damn hard. All the feelings, the trauma hit me. I didn't know how to deal with it - I had never learned.

I no longer deny the past - my mom, my sister, my dad, my fucked up childhood, all the failed relationships - I accept today. The alcohol, the drugs - it's all part of my story. That's why I tell my friends about it. That is why I am writing this text. Again and again I need the reminder that this is how I am, but that under no circumstances will I go back to this place. It is a lonely place where everything is too much and at the same time too little: too much not to feel anything, too little human contact that is not possible with alcohol and drugs. I was a kid who couldn't cope with his feelings. Today I am an adult.

Do you have an addiction problem or are you worried about affected friends and relatives?You can find help with drug addictions in Germany viaSearch Help Directoryor under01805 31 30 31.In Switzerland offersSafe zoneanonymous online addiction advice, local addiction advice centers can be found atInfoset. In Austria you can find advice about theAddiction compass.

* Update, 10/24/2019, 11 a.m.: In the previous version of the text, the dosage for the medical use of ketamine as an anesthetic was incorrectly stated. We have deleted this paragraph for security reasons. *

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