What is your current thought about the relationship
Many people today expect everything from a partnership: love and respect, security and emotional care, loyalty and passion, friendship and ecstatic sexuality, tenderness and spiritual growth. Quite a lot that is demanded here - mostly unconsciously. Too much, I think. A few basic deceptions at the beginning and in partnerships are outlined here.
I need a partner
Today there are many singles, but most of them believe that they absolutely want and need a partner. Living alone is not regarded and valued as a 'healthy normal case'. The consciousness of the masses judges: "Something is wrong with him / her." The own mind often judges: "I am not capable of relational, I should live in a partnership." Is that really true? No, it is an untrue thought that causes many people to suffer from relationships. Our minds have no idea how we 'should' live. Because he can only look backwards; in our head there is only the past and what it looks like, we have now learned long enough. Today it is important to get out of old thought patterns - what others, especially the media, call 'normal' and 'healthy' or 'right'.
Many people still dread being alone and associate it with loneliness. However, being able to be happy alone with yourself is the basis for happiness in life and fulfilling relationships. If someone is still 'single' today at 50, it is no accident. Those who presume to judge this should be careful not to make their own judgment. Anyone who regards the times of living alone as 'times of emergency' misses the great opportunity of this form of life. Only those who can be happy with themselves, who are self sufficient and who are themselves a loving, encouraging companion, who 'need' and do not abuse their fellow human beings. Because every “need” quickly becomes an abuse in relationships.
I have to work hard to find the right one.
There is no such thing as a 'wrong' partner. Because there are no mistakes in life. The partner at your side is always the 'right one'. Right now he is, otherwise he just wouldn't be there. And if you don't already have one, don't worry - the 'right one' comes when it should come. And if he doesn't come, enjoy life. Relax and don't care where he shows up. The more you care and worry about it, the later it will come to you.
And anyone who thinks they have come across a 'wrong partner' can feel what it feels like inside them. Such an untrue thought is always associated with feelings of regret, resentment, anger, shame or other. Those who do not yet gratefully appreciate and honor their past relationships and partners are programming themselves for repetitions in their relationship life. In the subtle, they take the old relationship with all wounds and untrue thoughts and unresolved emotions with them into the new one. The old partner is still stuck to your leg, so to speak.
The partner / relationship should make me happy.
This is the great classic among relationship fallacies. This is impossible; making yourself happy is your own job. Those who cannot make themselves happy, who cannot be alone and to themselves with joy and satisfaction, will not get very far in a relationship either. And within a relationship, too, someone who cares best for himself with mindfulness and self-centeredness and who takes responsibility for his feelings, his moods and his overall well-being is best responsible for shared happiness. Whoever believes he is psychologically or otherwise dependent on the behavior of his partner is still in the labyrinth of untrue thoughts and unaccepted emotions and creates suffering in himself and in the partner.
Partnership frees me from my loneliness.
Mistake. A lonely, needy partner always attracts another lonely one. And two lonely people make each other so unhappy as they could never have done it on their own. "Two beggars who reach into each other's pockets and are surprised to find that the other has nothing either," as Osho put it so beautifully.
A harmonious relationship is okay, a disharmonious one is not.
No, most relationships have to be disharmonious - full of noise, disappointment and pain - until we are capable of harmonious relationships. Why? Because relationships are one of the most powerful avenues for self-awareness and growth. Nobody reflects us better what we suppress in ourselves and cannot yet see like our partner (and our children). Because we almost always spend our first half of life unconsciously until life wakes us up: through crises, illnesses, experiences of loss, separations, accidents and deaths. These crises are beneficial because without them we would go on sleeping. But our partners are like no other in a position to push our 'buttons'. Through many repetitions of painful experiences with the partner or partners, it gradually dawns on us that it is ourselves who are creating this suffering. If the partner rejects us, disappoints us, does not treat us with respect, cheats on us or leaves us, we have the chance to realize that we are doing all this to ourselves as well. What the partner is doing on the outside, we have been doing to ourselves on the inside for a long time. What most people are not aware of is the deep rejection and hatred of themselves along with an ominous cocktail of emotions of fear, shame, guilt, anger and powerlessness, which they themselves have concocted over many years of childhood and adolescence.
Partners should talk a lot about their relationship
Talking 'about' the relationship is often a substitute for the actual relationship as follows: Your relationship consisted of discussions about whether they were in a relationship at all or what kind of relationship they might have. You can talk for a long time. Communication between couples is not unimportant, but first maybe we should talk to ourselves and listen to ourselves. If there is no clarity in our heads, then no clarity can come from our mouths either. And as long as we have not yet taken responsibility for the emotions that plague us such as anger, anger, fear, guilt, shame, etc., the probability is extremely high that these make any communication impossible. Anyone who feels that there is acute anger and anger in them or that it comes up during the conversation should take a deep breath and end the conversation first and take care of these feelings themselves. ("You, I need some time for myself now. Maybe we can continue talking tomorrow.") Because those who are full of anger and anger and do not yet understand how they created it themselves attack others with condemnations and talk just stupid stuff.
Communication between couples that aims at understanding and loving community requires awareness, respect and structure. And above all a loving heart. Often enough, two injured children talk to each other and beat each other up. Instead of talking a lot and often about the relationship, it is more advisable to speak in a very structured manner about the relationship for two or a maximum of three hours once a week. Everyone should have half an hour to speak and the other only listens without comment. In the intensity of these half an hour, listeners and speakers will quickly feel how things are with their love, i.e. whether they are lovers or needy, whether they are 'consumers' or recipients of gifts.
Partnership and sex belong together
This demand puts a lot of pressure and suffering on many partners who have little or no sex with each other. Life partnership has nothing to do with sex at first. For most of history, civil partnership and sexual partnership have been two pairs of boots. Maybe we can learn from our ancestors?
Many people in longer partnerships suffer from the fact that sex rarely takes place or only very routine and not very tingly. The romantic ideal of love suggests that we have to share everything with a person and that exclusively. Our descendants (probably already our children) will smile mildly about this. Of course there are couples who still have sparks in bed after twenty years. But that cannot be the standard. All over the world, i.e. in almost every relationship today, one of the two is strangers, sometimes more, sometimes less, but almost always with a guilty conscience and fear that the other might find out. In addition to the civil partnership, in the future we will again have and appreciate sexual partnerships in which people come together because they are physically pushed towards one another. Eros makes them 'hot' to each other, a heat that they often haven't felt in their partner for years, because sexuality lives and is enlivened by the new, by distance and curiosity, by the unknown and tempting, the not yet experienced This applies not only to men, but also to women. At the same time there is a need in us for stability in the community, for trust and security. These wishes are fulfilled by the civil partnership. And love works in both partnerships.
The ideal partnership should last forever
Nonsense. Every partnership is set up for a time. Our minds cannot really appreciate the value of a partnership. A two-year partnership can be far more fulfilling and lively than a twenty-year-old. Every relationship is valuable, whether short or long, whether painful or harmonious. All of life is identical to change because everything moves ceaselessly in and around us. This scares many. Life is like a river that prompts us to swim and to feel how it carries us. But so many people fearfully hold out on the bank, want to hold on, stop, even get out. However, this wanting to hold on only creates pain.
"The relationship consists of give and take"
This thought is mostly expressed by people who feel they have missed out. No 'giver' expresses this thought in a relationship, only 'needy people'. The give / take scheme combines love with concrete expectations and makes the relationship with the small trading company: "I love you as long as you love me. I will give you something if you also give me something." I call these relationships a 'GGBB', society for the mutual satisfaction of needs. It has nothing to do with loved ones. Anyone who wants to give in a relationship should give for the sake of the joy of giving, without any expectation. Giving out of love gives the giver so much joy that nothing needs to come back. Giving and receiving are therefore one and the same. However, our ego head separates the two and causes distress in the relationship.
"He who loves has to suffer"
My heart and my mind both tell me: There can never be pain or suffering from love and from loving. It's a denigration of love. Where there is love, there is no sorrow. And where there is (still) suffering, there is (still) no love, something is not yet loved. However, one thing is clear: in search of happiness, in search of love, we often encounter pain. Almost nowhere do we experience so much and so deep pain as in our experiences with so-called love partners, whether in heterosexual or homosexual relationships. So often, when we got involved in a relationship, with a person, it hurt - sometimes after a short time, sometimes much later. We did not only suffer when it broke up, but then usually the most severely. But nobody has ever suffered because of love, but from the sometimes painful process of waking up. We suffer from our own fears: fear of rejection, of being abandoned, of failure, etc. We are addicts for love, recognition and confirmation and it hurts to realize that the other person cannot fill me up and that he cannot free me from this addiction . Only we can do it ourselves. How? By recognizing and recognizing again that we are naturally infinitely loved beings. God, who is life, loves us unconditionally and gives us gifts every day. Only we have abandoned ourselves and betrayed our hearts. Those who really love - themselves and others - do not suffer.
Robert Betz gives numerous lectures all over Germany from October to April each year. He takes a detailed position on the above theses in his two lectures "True love lets you free!" and "He who loves does not suffer!", which is available on CD along with 35 other lectures. From mid-April to mid-October he lives and works on the Greek island of Lesbos, where he conducts a large number of vacation seminars under the title "Learning to love myself and life".
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