Alon Amit knows everything about math

Math jokes
to www.mathewitze.de



An e ^ x is walking in the street.
An x² comes towards him very excitedly and calls:
"Quick, we have to get out of here, the big differential operator is about to come!"
"What is he supposed to have on us? I'm not running away!", Says the e ^ x and continues leisurely,
while the x² flees.
At the next corner the e ^ x meets the differential operator.
He says: "What? You haven't fled yet? Aren't you afraid of me?"
"No, why should I?"
"I will differentiate you until you no longer know who you are!" Replies the differential operator.
"HA! Try it! I'm an e ^ x! Eh, you can't do anything to me!"
...Bad luck! It was a dy operator ...


A math student walks into a photo shop.
"Hello! I want to have this film developed."
Saleswoman: "9x13?"
"117. Why?"
A math professor comes into a photo shop.
"Hello! I want to have this film developed."
Saleswoman: "10x15?"
"Yes, that can be solved. Why?"


An engineer, a mathematician and a physicist are at the horse race. You are wondering if it is possible to calculate which horse
wins. They meet again after a week.
"I've looked everywhere," says the engineer, "but there is simply no table for horse races."
The mathematician has proven that a formula exists, but has not had enough time to set it up.
The pysicist says: "I have created a formula that can be used to calculate exactly which horse will win, but it has one catch: it
only applies to spherical horses that are stored without friction in a vacuum. "


What is yellow, crooked, normalized and complete?
A banana room.


What is a cluster point of Poland?
Warsaw.


1. A student who lives on 500 DM BAFöG a month is a poor eater.
2. If I increase the BAFöG of a poor swallow by 1.- DM, he is still poor.
3. It follows with complete induction: No matter how high the BAFöG is, students are poor eaters.
Where is the flaw in the reasoning? Actually there is no such thing as a good explanation.
Union politicians seem to solve the dilemma by questioning the first premise: The BAFöG in its current form is very good
generous. This means that the induction start is not even given.
Source: Math info Bielefeld


The Ministry of Agriculture is holding a competition aimed at increasing the performance of dairy cows.
After the research funds have been advertised, a farmer, a physicist and a mathematician report;
they receive their research funding and are supposed to report on their results after one year.
One year later:
The farmer: I managed to breed a cow that eats 5% less and gives 10% more milk.
The physicist: I founded an institute and now two doctoral students and five diploma students are working with me on the
To thoroughly investigate the mechanism of milk production in cows. So please provide me with research funding for the next five
Years ready.
The mathematician: I solved the problem of maximum milk production with minimum feeding - for the spherically symmetrical cow.


Pi equals three, for sufficiently small Pi and large 3.


A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western
country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board.
Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly
the aircraft.
He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
friends cried out, "Please, please take off now !!! Hurry !!!!!!"
The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."


"It was indeed the study of heat conduction in a cow,
which led Fourier to the discovery of his famous series. "
(From a student thesis)


What does an unemployed mathematician say to a mathematician who has just found work?
"One fries with mayo please!"


The following dialog could be read recently in a newsgroup (I don't remember which one it was ...):
"What does a mathematician give his wife for her wedding day?
A polynomial ring packed in an interval box. "

"... and of course a Markov necklace with stone"

"Oh Gauss, this really is the last Euler."

"Why? He was a man of Fermat; a real murder mathematician. And that's not Thales. He always found himself in every semicircle
the right angle to turn. (When Pythagoras found out, he titled in the triangle.) "

"Don't get Hilbert around here! I'll get everything Schmidt!"


lim sqrt (3) = 2
3->4 


What is the mathematician's reaction to a fundamentally new theory?
1. Completely absurd stuff!
2. Interesting, but perverse!
3. Besides, it doesn't work!
4. Correct, but immaterial!
5. That is trivial!
6. Actually, I've always done it this way!


1 + 1 = 3 for large 1.


A group of researchers has developed a method to bring expertise into tablet form.
A student then goes to the pharmacy and asks what types of knowledge pills are in stock.
The pharmacist shows him a tablet and says, "Here is a pill for knowledge of English literature." The student takes the pill to get that
To try out effectiveness and immediately know everything about English literature.
"That's great! What else do you have?" Asks the student.
"Well, we offer tablets for art history, biology and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student takes one each, swallows them and now knows everything about these subjects.
Since that's not enough for him, he asks: "Do you also have math pills?"
whereupon the pharmacist: "One moment please!" answers, going back into some back room and holding a BigMac-sized tablet
comes back, which he places on the counter in front of the stunned students.
"And for math knowledge I have to swallow this huge part ???" the student asks, astonished.
The answer: "Well, math has always been difficult to compress and, above all, extremely difficult to swallow!"


An engineer and a mathematician wake up at night to find that their houses are on fire. What do you do?
The engineer runs to the fire extinguisher, uses it to put out the fire and goes back to sleep.
The mathematician sees the fire extinguisher and thinks: "There is a solution!" Then he goes back to bed.
Here is another variation on this joke:
An engineer, a theoretical and an experimental physicist wake up at night to find that their houses are on fire.
What do you do?
The engineer runs to the fire extinguisher, uses it to put out the fire and goes back to sleep.
The theoretical physicist sits down at his desk, does the math, then takes a glass of water and pours it on the fire in such a way that it
goes out.
The experimental physicist burns in search of a thermometer ...


A mathematician (M) and an engineer (Ing.) Listen to a lecture by a physicist about Kaluza-Klein theories, the physical processes in 11,
Include 12 and more dimensions.
The M sits quietly and obviously enjoys the lecture, while the engineer hardly understands anything and is extremely annoyed and confused
looks like. In the end the engineer has a terrible headache, but the mathematician raves about the wonderful lecture.
Ing .: "How can you understand this stuff?"
M: "I just picture it!"
Ing .: "But HOW can you imagine something that is going on in 11-dimensional space?!?"
M: "It's very simple! First I imagine it in N-dimensional space, and then I let N go around 11."


What do a mathematician and a physicist have in common?
Both are stupid - with the exception of the mathematician


An old Prussian anecdote:
A new and eager math teacher at a cadet school took the risk of asking a student officer to read the Pythagorean theorem
to prove.
His answer was promptly: "We don't prove anything, we believe every word!"


Why are mathematicians no longer employed at BMW recently?
They generally designed a car with n wheels and only then considered the special case n = 4 ...


Old mathematicians never die; they only lose some of their functions.


A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist sit on the train and drive through Scotland. While driving, they see one in a meadow
black sheep, whereupon the biologist says: "Ah, I see that the Scottish sheep are black." The physicist says: "You mean
that some Scottish sheep are black. "
Then the mathematician: "No, we only know that there is at least one sheep in Scotland and that at least one side of this one
Sheep is black. "


Structure of a detective novel designed by a mathematician
Chapter I The Origin of the Babylonian Legal System
Chapter II The United States Constitution
Chapter III The organizational structure of the police ministry
Chapter IV Elements of Judicial Practice
Chapter V Theory of Fingerprints
... 
Chapter XXX (last page) The corpse
(The solution is left to the reader)
Edition: 0 copies


What is pi
Mathematician: Pi is the number that indicates the ratio of the circumference of a circle and its diameter.
Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.00000005.
Engineer: Pi is about 3.


Two mathematicians in a bar: one says to the other that the average person has little knowledge of mathematics. The second is
does not agree with this and thinks that there is a certain basic knowledge.
When the first has to step out for a moment, the second calls the blonde waitress and says that he'll have her in a few minutes when his friend is back,
will ask something, and please answer this question with 'a third x to the power of three'.
The waitress affirms somewhat uncertainly and repeats several times as she leaves: "A third x to the power of three ..."
The friend comes back and the other says: "I'll show you that most people know something about mathematics. Me
now ask the blonde waitress what the integral of x is to the square. "
The second just laughs and agrees. So the waitress is called and asked what the integral of x is to the square. These
answers: - "A third x to the power of three." And as she leaves, she turns around again and says: - "Plus c."


"The professor's marriage is said to be very unhappy, I heard!"
"Doesn't surprise me. He's a mathematician and she's unpredictable."


A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.


A physicist, a computer scientist, a "normal" mathematician and a topologist are each locked in a room. You get enough
Canned food but no opener. After a week, the cells are disrupted. In the physicist's room, all the walls are included
Formulas described, the cans are a little deformed, but open and he's alive.
In the computer scientist's cell, the walls are completely smeared with strange bills, the cans are absolutely destroyed. He is in good spirits
and lives. Then the mathematician's accommodation is unlocked. Again, the walls are full of equations. The cans are
but untouched, and the mathematician is dead. The top line on a wall reads: "Assuming the cans are open."
Pause for laughter
Finally, they open the topologist's room. There the board is also covered with formulas, the jar is in the
Middle of the room, only the topologist is missing. Then they hear a knock. One of them takes a can opener and opens the can. The topologist crawls
out: "Damn, sign error."


And here's probably the shortest joke, especially for mathematicians: Be epsilon SMALL zero!


Two men fly in a hot air balloon. Fog comes up and they can no longer see anything. After a while the fog clears
again, but they no longer know where they are. Below you see a man who works in the garden. One calls down: "Where are we
here? "There is no answer. Finally, when they are almost out of earshot, the man calls up:" You are in a balloon. "
one man: "That was definitely a mathematician." Asks him
others: "How do you get that?" The first replies: "That is very clear. Firstly, it took forever to get an answer.
Second, the answer was just totally correct. There was nothing wrong with it, it was just right. And third, it was closed
of no use at all ... "


If you let a mathematician choose between a bun and eternal bliss, what does he take?
The bun, of course: Nothing is better than eternal bliss - and a sandwich is better than nothing ...


Some famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a conference. Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a proof
of Fermat's Last Theorem - but they should keep it under their hats. When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic topic.
Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd talk about the theorem and then didn't. He replied this was his standard practice,
just in case he was killed on the way to the conference.


Non-mathematician to mathematician: "I find your work pretty monotonous."
Mathematician: "Maybe! But it is continuous and not limited."


What is big, gray, not orientable and swims in the sea?
Moebius Dick


A mathematician wants to put up his latest proof as a picture. Unfortunately, there is no one to hit the wall with a nail. So he takes nail
and hammer, holding the nail upside down against the wall. Just as he is about to strike, he takes another closer look - we are taken aback. He considered
and considered. After five minutes he has it: "This is a nail for the opposite wall!"


A man is married to a mathematician. He comes home, gives his wife a large bouquet of roses and says, "I love
You! ". She takes the roses, knocks them around his ears, kicks him and throws him out of the apartment. What did he do wrong? He should have
have to say: "I love you and only you!"


What do you call a young eigensheep?
A lamb, duh !!!


There are three types of mathematician.
1. Those who can count
2. Those who cannot count


An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The engineer
says that they should buy a new car. The mathematician says they should sell the old tire and buy a new one. The computer programmer says
They should drive the car around the block and see if the tire fixes itself.


A politician who has to take a flight asks a mathematician what the probability is that a bomb is in the
Plane is. The mathematician does the math for a week and then announces: "The probability is a ten-thousandth!" The politician is
that's still too high, and he asks the mathematician if there isn't a way to lower the probability. The mathematician
disappears again for a week and then has the solution. He says: "Take a bomb on board yourself. The
The probability that two bombs are on board is then the product: 1 / 10,000 * 1 / 10,000 = one in a hundred million. With that you can
fly calmly! "
or so:
"Mr. Feig, why do you always take an early flight?"
"Well, sometimes planes crash ..."
"Yes and on? ..."
"Suppose one in a million falls, and that would have been mine now, then I'll be saved. But that I, of all people
to switch to something that falls is completely unlikely. "
"Mr. Feig, thank you for the interview. Hurry up, they are calling out your flight!"

"All passengers to Swissair creaky last boarding ..."


Two mathematicians abuse each other.
After a long exchange of "compliments", finally one:
"I differentiate and integrate you until you no longer know who you actually are!"
The other replies: "Ätsch, I am e to the power of x!"


A conversation at the bar, a man (M) a stranger (F):
M: "You are a logician ??? What is that ??"
Q: "O.k. I'll explain: Do you have an aquarium?
M: "Yes ..."
Q: "Then there are definitely fish in there too!"
M: "Yes ..."
Q: "If there are fish in there, you probably like animals too."
M: "Yes ..."
Q: "If you like animals, you like children too."
M: "Yeah ..."
Q: "If you like children, you must have some ..."
M: "Yes!"
Q: "If you have children, you also have a wife."
M: "Yes ..."
Q: "When you have a wife, you love women"
M: "Yeah ..."
Q: "If you love women, you don't love men!"
M: "logical!"
Q: "If you don't love men, then you are not gay!"
M: "That's right, INSANE!"
The stranger leaves and a friend comes ...
M: "You, I have to tell you something: I just met a logician!"
Friend: "A WHAT?"
M: "A logician. I'll tell you - do you have an aquarium?"
Q: "No ..."
M: "Gay pig!"


2 people go into an empty house, a while later 3 come out again.
What does the mathematician say? "If someone else goes in now, the house will be empty again."
What does the theologian say? "A miracle! A miracle!"
What does the physicist say? "Somebody must have tunneled in there."
What does the biologist say? "I guess they multiplied?"
What does the midwife say? "It's always like that with us in the district hall."


Ask a few people the question "What is 2 * 2" and you will get the following answers:
The engineer pulls out his pocket calculator, does a little math and finally says: "3,999999999"
The physicist: "On the order of 1 * 10 ^ 1"
The mathematician will retire to his room for a day and then beam with joy with you
thick wad of paper and claim: "The problem can be solved!" Then he withdraws again and comes with me after a week
the following message again: "And in the field of real numbers it is even UNIQUELY solvable!"
The logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The hacker breaks into the NASA supercomputer and lets it do the math.
The psychiatrist: "I don't know, but it's good that we talked about it ..."
The accountant will first close all doors and windows, carefully look around and ask:
"What kind of answer do you want to hear?"
The lawyer: "4, but I don't know if we can get away with it in court."
The politician: "I don't understand your question ..."
The prospective chemists come after 4 weeks with the following result: "We are sure that there are none for this mathematical problem
Solution exists. It cannot be traced back to the rule of three "


A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician discuss what is better:
To have a girlfriend or to be married.
The doctor: It is better to be married in order to have a feeling of inner security.
This lowers blood pressure and is therefore good for your health!
The lawyer: It's better to have a girlfriend. If you are married and she wants a divorce, that only creates unnecessary trouble!

The mathematician: The best thing is, you have both! Because if the woman thinks you are with your girlfriend and your girlfriend thinks you are with
the woman, you have enough time for math ..


A physicist and a mathematician are faced with the problem of warming a bucket of water over a fire.
Physicist: takes the bucket and hangs it over the fire
Mathematician: takes the bucket and hangs it over the fire
Now it gets more difficult: the water bucket is moved to another place.
Physicist: takes the bucket and hangs it over the fire
Mathematician: takes the bucket and puts it back in its old place. Now he has traced the problem back to a familiar one.


or so:
A mathematician and an engineer are applying for a job. The employer wants to test their practicality and gives the engineer
one task: he should go into the kitchen and fry a sausage.
The engineer goes into the kitchen and fries a sausage. The mathematician is then given the same problem, and he too solves it perfectly.
Now the employer is making the test conditions more difficult: he has the refrigerator put in the cellar. Again the engineer gets it
Task of frying a sausage. First he goes into the kitchen, but cannot find the refrigerator. He searches the whole house and finds
finally the refrigerator in the basement. He opens it, takes a sausage, goes into the kitchen, goes to the stove and fries the sausage.
Task solved.
Now the mathematician is given the same task. He also goes into the kitchen but can't find a refrigerator. He searches the house and
finds the refrigerator in the basement. Now he grabs the refrigerator and drags it up the stairs into the kitchen. So he has the new one
Problem traced back to a known one!


A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer each get 12 rods and a 100m long wire, and should use them as possible
mark out a large area.
The engineer sticks a stick into the ground here and there, very ineffectively.
The physicist thinks about it and thinks that he would be able to mark out the largest area with an equilateral 12-sided corner.
(Is he actually right too).
The mathematician takes the sticks, wraps the wire around himself and says: "I'm outside!"


How does a mathematician catch a lion?
First he defines what it means to have caught a lion.
Definition: A lion is trapped when it is separated from me by a grid.
Then the mathematician simply sits down in a cage and, by definition, has caught the lion.
This is just a little taste of what's on my side
"How to Catch a Lion - A Mathematical Theory of Big Game Hunting" awaits!


As everyone knows, Noah built an arc.
Here is some additional information about what happened when the animals were getting off ...
Now, the world was pretty well empty of land creatures, so Noah gave all of the animals instructions as they departed.
To the Aardvarks, he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"
A couple snakes came slithering out, and he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"
"We can't, we're adders." replied the snakes.
Well Noah kept giving commands, until at last he told the zebras, "Go forth and multiply!"
A while later he was walking around and stepped over a fallen tree.
There were those snakes, well, er ... multiplying.
"I thought you said you couldn't multiply?" asked Noah.
"By LOGS we can!" replied the adders.


If it is green and winding, then it is biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
If you don't understand it, it's math.
If it's illogical, then it can be either economics or psychology.


An engineer thinks equations are an approximation of reality.
A physicist thinks that reality is an approximation of the equations.
A mathematician doesn't care.


Why do mathematicians confuse Christmas and Halloween?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25


A group of engineers and a group of mathematicians take the train to a meeting. Each of the engineers has their own
Ticket but the whole group of mathematicians has only one ticket.
Suddenly one of the mathematicians yells "The conductor is coming!", Whereupon all mathematicians squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor
comes, checks the engineers, sees that the toilet is occupied and knocks on the door: "The ticket please!". One of the mathematicians is pushing
the ticket under the door and the conductor pulls away satisfied.
On the way back, the engineers decide to use the same trick and they only buy one ticket for the whole group. They are very
astonished when they realize that the mathematicians have no ticket at all this time ...
Again one of the mathematicians calls out "The conductor is coming!". The engineers immediately rushed onto one of the toilets, the mathematicians worked
a little more leisurely on the way to the other. Before the last mathematician enters the toilet, he knocks on the engineers' door: "Ticket
You're welcome!"

And the moral of the story? Engineers use mathematicians' methods without really understanding them.


A physics student, a math student, and a medical student each receive a telephone directory from their professors. The
Physics student: "I cannot draw conclusions about the experiment from these measurement results and so the result is too imprecise and worthless!"
The math student: "These numbers cannot be summarized as a mathematical series, so they are by definition
Definitions and without context, these definitions are worthless "
The medical student just looks tiredly at the professor and asks: "Until when should I be able to do that?"


A mathematician and a physicist take part in a psychological experiment. First, do the math on a chair in one
big, empty space set. You put a bed with a beautiful, naked woman in the opposite corner, and the psychologist
explains to the mathematician. "You are not allowed to get up from this chair. All five
Minutes I'll come back and cut the distance between this bed and your chair in half. "The mathematician stares at him
Psychologists with horrified faces. "It is clear that I will never reach the bed. I will certainly not do that to myself." He
gets up and seeks the distance.
After the psychologist has made a few notes in his files, he fetches the physicist and explains the situation to him.
Immediately it shines all over your face and happily sits on the chair. The psychologist asks him in astonishment, "You don't realize that you are
never get to bed? "The physicist smiles and replies," Of course, but I'll get close enough for all practical things. "


An engineer and a physicist are standing on the flagpole of the university when a math professor comes by.
He asks: "What are you doing here?"
"We have received the order to determine the height of the flagpole," replies the physicist, "and we are currently considering which one to use
Formulas you can calculate them, but somehow we can't find out! "
The engineer adds: "And I tried to throw the tape measure up so that I could read how high the flagpole was,
but that didn't work either. "
"Moment!" says the mathematician. He pulls the flagpole out of its holder, lays it on the grass, has a tape measure and determines:
"Exactly seven meters."
Then he erects the bar again and walks on.
"Mathematician!" the physicist sneers. "We talk about the height and he tells us the length."


or so:
One mathematician asks the other: "Hey, how high is this limit?"
The other climbs up, measures, comes down and says: "4.32 meters."
Says the first: "Are you stupid! Why didn't you wait for the barrier to come down?"
Says the other: "No, you're stupid, I wanted to know how high it is, not how wide!"


Physics professor is walking across campus, runs into Math Professor. Physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out
an emphirical equation that seems to explain his data, and asks the math professor to look at it. A week later, they meet again, and the Math
professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the Physics professor has used his equation to
predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he askes the Math professor to look again.
Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The Math professor tells the Physics professor the equation does work, "But only in the trivial
case where the numbers are real and positive. "


The famous professor of mathematics was in town for a conference. Since he had some free time, he was approached to give a seminar for the
undergraduate mathematics students at the local college. After covering several blackboards with densely packed computations and
expressions filled with Bessel functions and more, the professor remembered that there were many
undergraduate students in the room. Feeling just a twinge of remorse that perhaps he was talking above the heads of some of the students in his
Audience, he turned around and asked the audience if there were any students who had never seen a Bessel function. The audience was silent
for a moment. Finally, one intrepid student raised his hand to admit that he had never seen
Bessel functions. The professor nodded with apparent comprehension. Without hesitation, he turned around and pointed at the blackboard,
while saying "well, there's one now" and continued his talk.


A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. "No problem," says the mathematician,
"There is a simple equation for that," and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoeseller stares some time at the equation and
asks, "What is that symbol?" "That is the Greek letter pi." "What is pi?" "That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a
circle. "Upon this the shoeseller cries out:" What does a circle have to do with shoes ?! "


When Mathematicians Go Bad
"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I.
followed.
"What are you selling?" I asked.
"Geometrical algebra drugs."
"Huh !?"
"Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers ..."
"Stop right there," I interrupted. "I've never heard of inside-outers."
"Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day."
"Go on ..."
"OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones," he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange
pills.
"What are those, then?" I asked.
"Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed."
"Sounds great. What about those bilinear mappers?"
"There's a whole variety of them. Here's one you'll love - they call it 'One Over Z' on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you'll be on
speaking terms with the Point at Infinity. "


Math and Alcohol don't mix, so ...
PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE


Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.


A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical problems.
He sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory of Gears."
So he goes. The speaker stands up and begins, "The theory of gears with a real number of teeth is well known ..."


Q: What did the circle say to the tangent line?
A: "Stop touching me!"


A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant.
What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
Then they were asked this question:
Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.


A hunter shoots a hare. The rabbit hits a hook and the ball flies 10 cm past the rabbit to the left.
The hunter shoots again. This time the ball flies 10 cm to the right of the rabbit.
Statistically speaking, the rabbit is dead.


An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote,
indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard.
After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.
A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself
happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.
This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote,
and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humor from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be
significant, let alone funny.


Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount everest?
A: A high-pot-in-use


What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable!


Heisenberg might have slept here.
Moebius always does it on the same side.
Statisticians probably do it
Algebraists do it in groups.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].


A promising PhD candidate was presenting his thesis at his final examination.
He proceeded with a derivation and ended up with something like:

F = -MA

He was embarrassed, his supervising professor was embarrassed, and the rest of the committee was embarrassed.
The student coughed nervously and said "I seem to have made a slight error back there somewhere."
One of the mathematicians on the committee replied dryly, "Either that or an odd number of them!"


A guy decided to go to the brain transplant clinic to refresh his supply of brains.
The secretary informed him that they had three kinds of brains available at that time.
Doctors 'brains were going for $ 20 per ounce and lawyers' brains were getting $ 30 per ounce.
And then there were mathematicians' brains which were currently fetching $ 1000 per ounce.
"A 1000 dollars an ounce!" hey cried. "Why are they so expensive?"
"It takes more mathematicians to get an ounce of brains," she explained.


Do you already know the latest statistician joke?
Probably...


When I was a Math / Chem grad student at Princeton in 1973-74, there was a story going around about a grad student.
This guy was always late. One day he stumbled into class late, saw seven problems written on the
board, and wrote them down. As the week went on he began to panic:
the math department at Princeton is fiercely competitive, and here he was unable to do most of a simple homework assignment! When the next
class rolled around he only had solved two of the problems, although he had a pretty good idea of ​​how to solve a third but not enough time to
complete it.
When he dejectedly flung his partial assignment on the prof's desk, the prof asked him "What's that?"
"The homework."
"What homework?"
Eventually it came out that what the prof had written on the board were
the seven most important unsolved problems in the field.


In the middle of the math lecture, one of the people present raised his hand and said: "I have a comment on what you are talking about
Counterexample! "Then the lecturer:" It doesn't matter, I have two pieces of evidence! "


lim 3 = 8
w-> oo


Since lim (8 / n) = oo, it follows:
n-> 0

lim (Z / n) = N.
n-> 0


1 1 
If lim ---- = oo, then how much is lim ----?
x-> 0x2 x-> 0x3

Solution: ooo


Cómo puedes saber si tu novia es buena con las matemáticas?
Examínala. Sustraela su ropa, súmala a tu dormitorio, divide sus piernas y dale una buena raiz.


De qué curso de matemáticas se habla siempre en voz baja, y solo entre amigos o personas de la mayor confianza?
Matemáticas discretas.


Se abre el telon y se ven dos sistemas lineales incompatibles.
Como se llama la pelicula?
Kramer versus Kramer.


97.3% of all statistics are fictitious!


There are two popes per square kilometer in the Vatican.


THE STORY OF BABEL:
In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they
grew to large numbers and prospered.

One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice
that was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.

The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians
climbed out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all
surprises! they could not understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought amongst themselves and each went about
their own way. To this day the Topologists remain the original
Mathematicians.


A topologist walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, being a number theorist, says,
"I'm sorry, but we don't serve topologists here."

The disgruntled topologist walks outside, but then gets an idea and performs Dahn surgery upon herself.
She walks into the bar, and the bartender, who does not recognize her since she is now a different
manifold, serves her a drink. However, the bartender thinks she looks familiar, or at least locally similar, and asks,
"Aren't you that topologist that just came in here?"
To which she responds, "No, I'm a frayed knot."


5 out of 4 people have problems with math!
or:
4 out of 10 people have no idea about statistics! That's almost 75%!


To understand recursion, one must first understand recursion.


Three Navaho women sit side by side on the ground. The first woman, who is sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 140 pounds. The
second woman, who is sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 160 pounds. The third woman, who weighs 300 pounds, is sitting on a
hippopotamus skin.
What famous geometric theorem does this symbolize?
The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.


Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A: Zorn's Lemon.


Philosophy is a game of goals, but no rules.
Mathematics is a game of rules but no goals.


Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components.


"The number you dialed is imaginary. Please turn your phone 90 degrees and try again!"



UR 2 Good
2 Me
2 Be
4 Got
== 
10 

"You are too good to me to be forgotten"



One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch:
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.


Q: Can you prove Lagrange's Identity?
A: Are you kidding? It's really hard to prove the identity of someone who's been dead for over 150 years!


If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!


What is black and white and it fills the whole level?
A piano curve


"Fibonacci" is not a short form of the Italian name
F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa ccccccccccccc ccccccccccccccccccccc iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.


Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal.
But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.


Question: How many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left in the end?
Answer: You can subtract 7 from 83 as many times as you want, and every time you leave 76 left.


Did you know that almost everyone has more legs than the average?


87.166253% of the statistics pretend an accuracy that is not justified by the method used.


There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whiz straight over it,
then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked
him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a
junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there. "


What does a mathematician answer when asked whether he wants the window open or closed?
YES!


If a mathematician writes a fantasy book, would the page numbers be imaginary?


"A person who can, within a year, solve x² - 92y² = 1 is a mathematician."
Brahmagupta


Four professors (An engineer, a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out
of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
"Brute force is the answer" says the engineer. "If we hit it enough we can put it out".
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then
the fire will go out. "
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While they debate what course to take, they are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream,
"What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."


The most frequently asked questions:
Engineer: How does it work?
Economist: How expensive will it be?
Mathematician: How Can That Be Improved?
Physicist: Would you like ketchup with that?


Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: To abelian grape.


Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the other ... er, um ...


Q: Why did the chicken cross the street?
Fermat: I don't have space enough here to explain that.


What do you say when you see an empty parrot cage?
Polygon


Q: How do we know that mathematics is a violent subject?
A: Because we often hear on the news that United Nations forces are needed to keep the "warring fractions" apart.
In statistics, we have "mean values" and in linear algebra we have "cross products."


Q: What other measures are there beside "Lebesgue" measure?
A: If there is "Le Besgue" Measure, there must be "Le Little" Measure.


Here's one for the queuing theorists:
Q: What do you call a line of little girl's dolls?
A: A Barbie queue.


Does the math teacher come into class:
"If you are not careful in my class now, you will grow very big eyebrows one day!"


Fuller's Law of Cosmic Irreversability:
1 pot T -> 1 pot P
but
1 pot P - / -> 1 pot T


A mathematician and a physicist are in a room trying to open a can of beans. The physicist accurately calculates the angle
with which he has to throw the can against the wall so that it bursts open.
He swings out, the can hits the wall, ricochets, spins towards the physicist and smashes him to the ground.
When he gets up again, he sees how the mathematician has long since been eating his beans.
"How did you do that?" He asks.
"Well, I just defined the can as open!"


A: What's that line over there?
B: A queue!
A: health!


Q: What would one call a waiting line that had repeated images of me?
A: to I.Q.


Q: What would be a good name for an advice column for queuing theorists?
A: Q-tips!


The dean to the Faculty of Physics: "Why do you always need so much money for laboratories, expensive equipment and so on? Why can't you
just be like the mathematician? They only need money for pens, paper and paper bins. Or better still like the philosophy faculty -
they only need money for pens and paper! "


The following is from a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon dated 3/6/91.
Calvin: You know, I don't think math is a science, I think it's a religion.
Hobbes: A religion?
Calvin: Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one NEW number!
No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't.
[Pointing at his math book] This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion!
Hobbes: And in the public schools no less. Call a lawyer.
Calvin: [Looking at his homework] As a math athiest, I should be excused from this.


Math is like love; A simple idea, but it can get complicated.
R. Drabek


What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar (scaler!)


"What is 2 + 2?" Here's the answer from tenth graders over the past five decades:

1957: "Of course 4."
1967: "I think four, but what counts is the method."
1977: "Wait a minute, I'll check my calculator."
1987: "Wait a minute, I'll just open a window on my PC and click the" Calculator "icon."
1997: "Wait a minute, I'm just looking for the addition homepage."


"I'm staying in a fancy hotel and they're having a convention. It's a convention of mathematicians and they've done it up real nice. My room
number is pi. It's easy to remember but it takes forever to call me on the house telephone. "
Billy Martin


... when you are convinced your girlfriend is abelian.
This actually happenbed to me. Last New Year's Eve, I took a break from writing a paper on abelian groups which I had been writing so I could
have some celebratory fun at the local bar. When we got back much later and rather drunk, I looked over at my girlfriend and thought to myself
"She's looking different. She must be abelian today."
Later that night I woke up convinced that putting my arm around her was really multiplication by a prime p, but that didn't matter because she
what p-divisible.
Vince Frisina


Mathematicians are different from other men. Here are three things you need to do to be a real man:
a) build a house (nowadays 'buying' is enough),
b) father a child,
c) calculate the Laplace operator in spherical coordinates.

Allegedly it has now been proven experimentally that the order can also be inverted.


An epsilon was recently discovered in Karlsruhe, it's so small, if you divide it by two it becomes negative!


A practical mathematician and a theoretical mathematician have to calculate 2 * 2.

More practical: he immediately sees that the second term can be expanded into a geometric series:

2 * 2 = 2 * ( (1/2)^0 + (1/2)^1 + (1/2)^2 + (1/2)^3 + .. ) 

Since he is not interested in exact solutions, he breaks off the sequence after the second term and gets.
2 * 2 roughly equal to 3.
The theoretical mathematician is only interested in the existence of a solution and not in its exact value.

He also developed a series:

2 * 2 = 2 * ( (3/2)^0 + (3/2)^1 + (3/2)^2 + (3/2)^3 + .. ) 

Of course, he immediately sees that this series does not converge and concludes:
2 * 2 does not exist.


Actually more of a physicist's joke, but still nice:
The physicist should explain why the railroad rumbles so much. He looks at the locomotive. Hence it does not come, so it can
neglect the locomotive. In every wagon it rumbles the same way (except for a time shift of the order of magnitude dt), that
The problem can therefore be reduced to one wagon. The wagon consists of a superstructure and a substructure, the rumble comes
audible from below. So the superstructure can also be neglected. The substructure consists of axles and wheels. Man
can now assume that the axles are well lubricated and are therefore not relevant to the problem. The wheels can
can be described as circles with good mathematical accuracy. The area of ​​the circle is Pi * r². Pi is a constant that
does not rumble. It is very likely that r is also constant in the meantime (keyword: thermal expansion). What remains
left? The square! And it's clear that a square is rumbling!


The other day on the Muppet Show

Fuzzi: Thank you ... great math jokes
Grandpa: ... mad mathematicians ...
Fuzzi: [Potato joke] ... traced back to an old problem.
Grandpa: Only the jokes are old!
Fuzzi: There are three types of mathematicians: those who can count and those who cannot count.
Grandpa1: The bear only tells three different types of jokes!
Opa2: Yes: old, bad and old, bad!
Fuzzi: [differential operator] ... d after dy.
Opa1: With which operator can you operate the bear away?
Opa2: With everyone, that's already a zero.
Fuzzi: [Prime number joke] ... 9 is a prime number, 9 is a prime number, ...
Grandpa1: That's typical for this bear.
Grandpa2: Why?
Opa1: Only the mistakes are repeated.
Fuzzi: [French fries red and white joke]
(Others throw foam balls ("tomatoes") at Fuzzi while booing))
Grandpa: Why, that was the first good joke!


If a vector comes to drug counseling: "Help, I'm linearly dependent."


The math teacher says, "The class is so bad at math that I'm sure 90% will fail this year." A student
in the background: "But we're not that many!"


"The sum of the squares on the legs is equal to the square on the hypotenuse."

"Aha. So the triangle above the hypothesis is equal to the triangle above one catheter plus the triangle above the other
Catheter. "

"Well, that's almost true. But how about: The triangle at the cathode could hypothetically hum if you look at the squares
compares. "


"I have to explain Pythagoras to my son, but I can no longer get it together."
"That's understandable, because the guy has been dead for a few years. Personally, I wouldn't even try him again, by the way
get together. Could be trouble ... "


Dear physicists! Don't be upset at the following joke!
Just think of it as saying "mathematician" instead of "physicist"!
What are 10 physicists in hydrochloric acid?
A problem solved!


Two matrices meet. One of them says: "Come on, let's go into the forest and make A to the power of minus 1." Says the other:
"Man, are you inverse!"


"What about your sweet little friend, the mathematician?"
"I left her .. I'll call her - she tells me that she is lying in bed and struggling with 3 strangers ..."


Years ago I gave a beginners lecture and, as it should be, started with logic. First, I explained what one
understands by a "statement": A statement is a text, the content of which is either true or false.
As an example I mentioned the sentence: Karl is sick.
At that moment it occurred to me, hotly, that I absolutely needed a living person named "Karl" to whom the sentence could refer
related. Otherwise the sentence could neither be called true nor false, i.e. it was not a statement at all.
In order to repair the damage quickly, I asked in the hall: Is there anyone among you named Karl?
Seconds of silence! Then a voice from the background: He's sick!


A mathematician and a civil engineer are supposed to calculate the statics of a four-legged table. What does the civil engineer do? He
looks at his construction calendar, takes his calculator and calculates the result. What does the mathematician do? He
first calculates the statics of a one-legged table and then the statics for a table with n + 1 legs, if one
n-legged table is known. Then he applies this formula three times to his first result.


Physicist induction: "Proof that 60 is divisible by all numbers" goes as follows:
Take samples as if there were 60/1, 60/2, 60/3, 60/4, 60/5, 60/6
... great, works very well, distances larger: 60/10, 60/12, 60/15
... great, one more try: 60/30 ..... works!
Great, successful proof - as the test series shows.


Q: What's polite and works for the phone company?
A: A deferential operator.


Q: Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
A: Because he wasn't Abel (able).


Never say "N factorial", simply scream "N" at the top of your lungs!


A funny, but true story:
A friend of mine (2.5 years hasn't heard anything about mathematics) saw in his first semester at university
the following equation (Taylor):
f (0) f '(0)
f (x) = ---- + ----- x + ...
0! 1! 
After reading the first ("0") he thought: "What's about the exclamation mark? Oh, I see: You can't divide by zero. Attention!"
But after reading the second term ("1!") He wonders: "Hey-oh, you * can * divide by one !! What's this ?!"
And after thinking a long time about the problem he comes to the real meaning ... ;-)


A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family
friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a star, focused and very determined expression on his
face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to
eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This
pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card - unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it,
and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room,
thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"What it the nuns that did it?", The father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"What is the one-on-one tutoring? The peer mentoring?" "No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front
door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business! "


The following story is true, I was a personal witness.
A math-prof (his nickname was "Lord Number") was talking quite a while on "n-dimensional manifolds".
He was * far * off comprehension of most of the listeners and finally adressed his audience:
"So what do you think is the volume of an infinite-dimensional unit-sphere?"
Silence.
After a while a voice from the backrows: "42!" That did it.
P.S .: Actually, this volume is zero (!). It is inverse proportional to a Gammafunction depending on n.


A dutchman told me 1 was the first prime. So we went to check.
In the van Dale dictionary (the dutch version of Websters) we found:
"A prime number is a number that is only divisible by itself."
Apparently we only have one prime number in the netherlands ....


There's even a Nobel Prize in Mathematics this year. He was introduced to the discovery by Peter Petersen, a mathematician
from East Frisia. Petersen discovered a new whole number. It's called SACHT and is exactly between seven
and eight.


Mathematicians have announced the existence of a new whole number which lies between 27 and 28.
"We don't know why it's there or what it does," says Cambridge mathematician, Dr. Hilliard Haliard,
"We only know that it doesn't behave properly when put into equations, and that it is divisible by six, though only once."


More recently, I learned another useful term: "modulo errors." This is used, for example, as "Q.E.D., modulo errors."
One fellow often applied this to his blackboard proofs, meaning:
"This is a representative of an equivalence class of proofs, one of which is correct and all of which look sort of like this one.
At least one such proof is correct, but it might not be the one I wrote down. "

I don't mean to be critical here; the lectures were quite good. The point is, a proof "modulo errors" presents the important ideas, and we have
better things to do today than criticize the details.

For example, many of us who have lectured know the sinking feeling, "ten or fifteen minutes ago and two blackboards back, I should have called
that variable something besides 'm', because now I'm stuck calling two things by the same name. "One can rewrite the whole thing, or insert
hokey primes or subscripts. Or, one can take pity on the students, who after all are paying $ 20 an hour to see the show. In the latter case, just
say "modulo errors," and move on.


The first law of Engineering Mathematics: All infinite series converge, and moreover converge to the first term.


Q: What's an Abelian group under addition, is closed, associative, distributive, and bears a curse?
A: The ring of the Nibilung.


Q: What kind of insect is good at math?
A: The account-ant


What is a polar bear?
A rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.


In Alaska, where it gets very cold, pi is only 3.00. As you know, everything shrinks in the cold. They call it Eskimo pi.


Mermaid mathematicians wear algaebras.


Math problems? Call 1-800 - [(10x) (13i) ^ 2] - [sin (xy) /2.362x].


A mathematican, standing puzzled at the Xerox machine and complaining to the secretary (?) Woman:
"I set it to 'Single Sided Copy', and now it comes out as a Moebius Strip!"


A non-commissioned officer explains to the officer students:
"Imagine, n tanks arrive. No, n is not enough, let's say k tanks ..."


Oral exam, stochastics. Roles: (P) rüfer, (S) tudi ...
P: Let's start with a simple question. What is the probability that one die will roll a six on one roll?
(Incidentally, it is a sixth, if you don't have it with stochastics)
S: Which is one?
P: I beg your pardon?
S: Well one!
P: Throw the dice! (gives him a dice)
S: (rolls the die - becomes 6)
P: (slightly puzzled) Again!
S: (rolls the dice, another six)
P: (already brooding) Roll the dice again!
S: (rolls the dice - again a 6! Is damned unlikely, only every 216th case gets it on average)
P: You can go. Passed, one.


Why is a computer scientist better than a mathematician?
Thanks to the binary number system, he can continue to calculate with his fingers!


Why are apples and pears also images?
You have cores


If a vector comes to the doctor: "Doctor, help me, I'm linearly dependent!"
or the version by Jens Richter:
If the zero vector comes to the doctor: "Help, I'm linearly dependent!"


What is every mathematician's favorite movie?
The silence of the lemma


Two straight lines meet. One says, "Next time you'll spend one."


2 is the oddest prime


Ms. Meier wants to show her neighbor how great her son can do arithmetic:
F. M .: "Fritz, what is three times four?"
Fritz: "Ten?"
F. M .: "Look, only offset by one!"


How much is three times seven?
VERY fine sand!

And what is four times six?
Exhausting...


Prof .: "The postman runs 12 km / h and the dachshund 16 km / h, the distance is 50 m. When does the dachshund overtake the postman?
the problem graphically. "
Studi: "But I can't draw a dachshund ..."


The professor asks for a mathematical method to be used - nobody answers. Voice from the back row:
"I'm buying an 'E'" ...


Do 2 mathematicians meet or was it 3?


Which word do all mathematicians write incorrectly? <"wrong">


What is phi squared?
Modern art maybe?


The teacher in 5th grade asks: "Which numbers from 1 to 10 can you divide by 2?"
"All" replies the daughter of a math teacher.


"The negation of a false statement always results in a true statement!" claims a math professor.
"Wrong" means a student.
"Please explain that!" demands the professor.
"The sentence: is wrong,
his negation: but it is also wrong! "explains the student.


A number theorist sits desperately above the row
b = 1 - 1/3 + 1/5 - 1/7 + 1/11 - 1/13 + ...
Because he wants to know whether b is rational or not.
A physicist and a numeric engineer come by and want to take a look at the problem:
The physicist tries: 1 - 1/3 = 0.67, 1 - 1/3 + 1/5 = 0.87
Then he says: the mean is 0.77, i.e. roughly 7/9, so b is rational.
The numerist says: nonsense! If you are already rounding, then you must at least make an error estimate! After a
cursory consideration of the series, he means: well, b = Pi / 4, so according to Lindemann even transcendent.


If there. actually means "without loss of generality".
Here are some alternative interpretations:
Without any significance for the general public
Without any concerns from the author
Without justification for assumption
Without considering the exceptions
Without taking into account the beginner students.


How can you tell an extroverted mathematician from an introverted one?
The extroverted mathematician looks at your feet when he talks to you.
Ursula Martin


A physicist, a mathematician and an economist are given the task of
to determine the height of a church tower. How do you do it?
- The physicist of course with a stone and the stopwatch,
- The mathematician calculates the height by applying the ray theorems with the help of his thumb.
- The economist gives the pastor 50 marks for the answer.


A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician make their first parachute jump. Your instructor will explain to you in full beforehand
exactly what they have to do: Jump out, count to 3 and pull the rip cord.
The physicist jumps. But counting up to 3 is far too imprecise and too primitive for him. Rather, it calculates from its height and fall speed
the exact point at which he has to pull the rice line to just land softly. He pulls the leash and comes up optimally.
The engineer as a practical person thinks: Counting to 3 is far too unsafe and therefore too dangerous ... he jumps and pulls
immediately the ripcord. With him it takes a little longer, but he also ends up unscathed.
The two see the mathematician jump out of the plane. This one falls ... and falls ... and falls ...
No parachute opens and finally it hits the ground. Fortunately, it ends up in a haystack.
Physicists and engineers run horrified to the haystack and when they dig it up they hear him say:
"from this it follows due to complete induction: 3"


A mathematician, a physicist and a philosopher stand on the roof of a burning skyscraper. The only way
To escape the flames, take a dip in the small pool in front of the skyscraper. The philosopher thinks: if it does
if there is a god he will help me. He jumps and misses the pool by a long way. The physicist takes calculator and
Notepad, does the math for a while, takes a run up and jumps right into the middle of the pool. The mathematician also calculates one
While with calculator and notepad. When he is done he takes a run, jumps and flies up. What happened ?
Sign error!


Top Ten excuses for not doing Maths homework
1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
9. I took time out to snack a donut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.


Mathematical description of a table:
2 cases:
1. Table with 1 leg
2. Table with oo many legs
and interpolate


w.z.b.w. : = which would be doubtful


The teacher asks: "Marion, what is four and four?"
Marion: "Eight."
"Right, as a reward you will get eight candies from me."
"If I had known," Marion replies, "I would have said a hundred!"


150 would-be mathematicians attend the math lecture.
The professor wants to do something applied, writes "10-5" on the board and brings you up to the front to solve that.
The student thinks about it for a long time and says: "6!"
The professor just shakes his head at so much stupidity and is about to start a lecture, but the audience calls: "Give him another one
a chance, give him another chance! "
Then the professor: "Ok, you have one more try. I'll also give you a tip: it's less than 6!"
The student thinks and thinks, and finally he says: "4!"
Again the audience shouts: "Give him another chance, give him another chance!"
The professor hopes for a miracle and says: "Ok, all good things come in threes. I want to give you one more tip: the result is between 4 and 6."
The student wracks his brain, finally he says: "5!"
Then the audience: "Give him another chance, give him another chance!"


A math teacher stands in front of the class and explains:
"There is no larger and no smaller half, ... but why am I telling you this at all, the larger half of you understand that
but not "


Q: What is higher math?
A: When you wake up in the morning and pull the roots out of a stranger!


Asks a German at a maths congress to a French woman:
"Voulez-vous Cauchy avec moi?"


What is nutritious and commutated?
An abelian soup!


Two straight lines meet at infinity. Does one mean to the other:
"Now make a point!"


2 B \ / -, 2 B =?
Answer: the question.


... and then there was the statistician who drowned in a river that was on average only four inches deep.


10E12 microphones = 1 megaphone
10E-6 fish = 1 microfiche
10E21 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologues = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram
6 meters = 1 hexameter
100 count = 1 hectograph
2 vowels = 1 bifocal
2 Eifel = 1 doubt
5 essences = 1 quintessence
10E-3 aunt = 1 militant
8 Ave Maria = 1 octave Maria
10 x Ade = 1 decade
10E12 lakes = 1 terrace
1 dormouse + 2 = 1 Neunmalkluger
10E-3 ion = 1 million
4 valleys = 1 quarter
9 scythes = 1 nonsense
8 berries = October 1
1/2 tea = 1 semi-t
10 teeth = 1 decadent
3 fishing rods = 1 triangle
1 1/2 biathlon = 1 triathlon
12 to the power of 3 therapies = 1 shock therapy
1/100 mental = sentimental
4 heraldic winged animals = 1 morning
Gone with the 'you' = dozen
2 monogamy = 1 bigamy?


"You can't rely on the teacher: yesterday he said 2 and 3 is 5, today he means: one and four are five"


The mathematician is a maker of schemes.


"The worst tick is the mathematic tick"


Trying to find the right partner for love and life boils down to that
the same thing as wanting to fly to the moon without any mathematics. "


"The calculation of income tax is too high, even for me. It's too difficult for a mathematician, you have to be a philosopher."


"The advancing mathematics has the advantage that one can be more precise wrong"


Triangle: a construction harmless only in mathematics.