What will happen in 2018
52 things in the new year that we hardly dare to think about: Michael Kluger, Thomas Kurtenbach and Sylvia Menzdorf look a little anxious, but all in all cheerfully into the future.
1 Twitter decides that American presidents are only allowed to send sentences that are complete, grammatically correct and in accordance with the generally accepted international conventions of courtesy.
2 Peter Handke announces his very last novel: “The wintry journey of a mushroom fool into a no-man's bay with a jukebox and penalty shoot-out”.
3 During excavations in Athens, a briefcase belonging to the former Documenta director Adam Szymczyk with 10 million euros to finance the next exhibition is found.
4 At the Advent festival of 1000 lights in the MDR, Florian Silbereisen manages to ask a spontaneously formulated question off the cuff that he has never asked before. The silence in the hall becomes unbearable.
5 At the Bayreuth Festival, “Parsifal” is replaced by Bizet's “Carmen”. In protest, Alexander Dobrindt promises holy and holy never to set foot on the Green Hill again.
6 Christian Lindner publishes a book of poems with love verses to Katrin Göring-Eckardt: "Tropical Elegies".
7 The score for a solo of three minutes can be found in the estate of "AC / DC" rhythm guitarist Malcolm Young. It contains four chords and a rest with a lot of distortion.
8 Helene Fischer dyes her hair black, dares a side parting (left) and replaces lip gloss with Penaten cream. Then she says goodbye to the baby break.
9 Martin Walser's new novella is about an old man who does not fall in love with a woman 40 years his junior and is not haunted by sultry erotic fantasies. Almost two pages.
10 The Alte Oper Frankfurt is developing a new mini-festival and has all of Schubert's string quartets performed at Startbahn West. There is tomato juice during the break.
11 The mayor of Frankfurt announces that in the future he will no longer be photographed, but will only have himself painted in oil in the style of the old masters. All works are to be presented in a new permanent exhibition at the Städel.
12 The exploratory talks go into the 17th round. Peter Altmaier serves May punch and is woodruff of the year. They agree to maintain interpersonal relationships until further notice: Martin Schulz and Andreas Scheuer sweat together in the sauna, Angela Merkel and Andrea Nahles drink Eckes Edelkirsch and play the blind cow.
13 After a chest hair transplant, Christian Lindner poses with a Schiesser cleavage for a luxury sports car. He has given up his political career. Wolfgang Kubicki advised him: It is better not to do politics than to do badly.
14 The Berliner Philharmoniker are merging with the Johann Strauss Orchestra for cost reasons. Kirill Petrenko plays first violin. André Rieu smiles and moves his arms.
15 Martin Schulz gives up the leadership of the SPD and becomes head of the non-fiction department in the Hugendubel branch in Frankfurt's Steinweg in order to finally get rid of the immense holdings of his book “What is important to me”.
16 The Frankfurt building department head Mike Josef is setting up a sandpit in Günthersburgpark. Under the supervision of the Association of German Architects, he is building new districts with sieves, shovels and buckets. And then breaks it again.
17 Angela Merkel resigns and takes over the management of the Frankfurt Museum for World Cultures. In her first exhibition as a curator, she deals with the effect of selfies on the cultures of North Africa and Afghanistan.
18 The Frankfurt Book Fair invites Georgia as a guest of honor and Eastern Germany. There are five right-wing publishers. All others distance themselves. The Antifa cuts the stands short and sweet and yells "Down with the alphabet". Director Juergen Boos is also satisfied this time.
19 No awards are given at the Oscars because the actors are either black or white, male or female, old or young. That must not be. Only politically correct androids are accepted into the academy.
20 Alice Schwarzer resigns as chief feminist of the nation. She announces that, for mental reasons, she will breed pansies in the future and only want to comment on questions of gardening, balcony design and weed control.
21 The actor Wotan Wilke Möhring, known among other things for his leading role as a commissioner, stunned the criticism with a second facial expression and a clear pronunciation. Til Schweiger now wants to quickly top it up.
22 Udo Jürgens' record company will release "Unplugged - The Secret Tapes" before Christmas. The musician, who died in 2014, interprets the songs of other German-speaking artists on the piano or acoustic guitar. The recordings were made in the hobby room in Switzerland. The pieces include "With peppermint I am your prince" (Westernhagen), "Apfelmann" ("Blumfeld"), "Break what breaks you" ("Clay stone shards") and "Pizza" ("Antilopen Gang") .
23 The television series “Tatort” is discontinued because all absurd, socio-educational and idiotic material has been turned off. There are already too many good thrillers, the first announced.
24 The Swedish Academy awards the US band "Metallica" the Nobel Prize for Literature. Then Bob Dylan sinks his harmonica in the Klondike River and only blows against the wind.
25 German television is developing a new early evening series concept for the US market: two stupid mountain rescuers drive a coast guard dream ship to Bavaria to search for chimpanzees that have escaped from a Black Forest clinic in an Alpine monastery.
26 Former chief strategist Donald Trumps, Steve Bannon, takes trombone lessons at the Frankfurt University of Music and Performing Arts in order to be able to play the apocalypse.
27 The builders of the Berlin City Palace are facing new challenges. In addition to the still unsecured funding, geologists are now seeing movement underground. If the engineers cannot find a solution, the castle will sink into the sand of the Brandenburg region in around 15 years. In government circles, alternatives are already being considered. A decision-maker who did not want to be named said: "The square would actually also be nice for a palace of the Federal Republic".
28 Emmanuel Macron admits that he is only a character in a novel - namely the "little prince". When asked whether this is why he fell in love with his former teacher, he replied: “You can only see clearly with the heart”.
29 Alexander Gauland announces his membership in the Waffen SS. He was still proud to have been diapered by the gunner of an assault tank at the heroic age of three.
30 With effect from January 1st, Sahra Wagenknecht will stop all talk show appearances and found a coaching academy with Wolfgang Bosbach. They offer seminars and individual training on topics such as: "Shining in front of the camera". Or: “eloquent silence”. Thomas Oppermann and Ralf Stegner were hired as guest lecturers.
31 Bono, singer of the benevolent rock band "U 2", fires all employees of his mailbox companies. Unemployment suddenly explodes in Panama, the Bahamas and the Cayman Islands.
32 The Federal Association of Saxon Christmas Crib Manufacturers announces the developments for the coming Christmas season at its annual press conference. There is a trend towards "Western design", says association chairman Ronny Christ-Kugel. Arab, African and Jewish nativity figurines tend to be dispensed with. There remain: sheep, cattle and donkeys.
33 Johnny Cash announces his comeback.
34 David Bowie too.
35 And the "Scorpions".
36 Frankfurt's head of cultural affairs, Ina Hartwig, is taking measures to make the Frankfurt Zoo more attractive again and has fragrance stones placed in the urinals of the visitor toilets in the cellar of the Exotarium.
37 Frankfurt's head of cultural affairs, Ina Hartwig, takes measures to revitalize the Frankfurt music scene. She is building an interdisciplinary museum on the history of comb blowing on the banks of the Main, which is to be linked with the Hard Rock Café in Los Angeles and the House of the Alphorn in Füssen.
38 Frankfurt's head of cultural affairs, Ina Hartwig, takes measures to counter the disneysisation of Frankfurt culture. She is tearing down the new old town and building artificial ruins from the period after the Second World War to bear witness to the spirit of critical theory.
39 The Frankfurt Ensemble Modern is expanding its repertoire and has commissioned the satanic metal band “Slayer” to perform a chamber concert for oboe, harp and triangle.
40 National coach Joachim Löw resigns after the failed title defense at the World Cup in Russia. “The withdrawal has often been underestimated by us Germans,” he says in Moscow. He wanted to take a break first and then attack again, this time with a team twice as big.
41 The AfD politician Björn Höcke is committed to a complete revision of German history. Firstly, his name is Höcke, not Bernd, and secondly, not Barbarossa. Höcke wants to erect a monumental memorial for Heinz Rühmann on the Kyffhäuser. It is a shame!
42 Markus Lanz no longer greets every guest with the formula "I'm glad you're our guest", but rather with "Don't fuck the hell with it".
43 Art ceases operations because it only reproduces the garbage that is already lying around everywhere or is being sold on Amazon. In the future, concept art will be done by computers and posted on Facebook if necessary.
44 On the stage of the Frankfurter Schauspiel, Goethe's “Faust”, parts one and two, will be performed for the last time. Since the audience consists only of Japanese tourists anyway, American TV series and old Ufa films will be shown alternately in the Big House.
45 The FDP renews its demand that the tax return should fit on a beer mat. For this purpose, beer mats in DIN A3 format should be laid out in the pubs.
46 Shortly before New Year's Eve, the Bundestag issued a ban on firecrackers. Since the sounding has not yet been completed, there is no reason for joyful fireworks.
47 Judith Rakers ended her career as a TV announcer and switched to songwriting with Giovanni di Lorenzo.
48 The video evidence from the Bundesliga will be expanded to include the cultural sector. Everyone is asking: why is that?
49 This year, the jury of the German Book Prize will award the novel that has been in 46th place on the sales charts for the longest time. The aim is to avoid allegations that the price is awarded on a proportional basis.
50 Robert Menasse is writing a second European novel with the romantic title “Out of Africa”.
51 German humor is falling into a serious crisis. You no longer go to the cellar to laugh, but book two weeks in Turkey.
52 There is simply no end to 2018.
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